Unbearable lightness of being me Part 2

In 5 nearly 6 years of sessions you would think I would be able to explain or offer advice on being a sub or what it is like to visit a Mistress and how I relate to being a sub in and out of sessions.

But to be honest with you the truth is I don’t think I know anymore than I did when I started and a recent email had made me think I am actually the last person you should be asking for advice from.

I go into every session promising I will be a better sub and planning on making it a fun session for Mistress Lilith and one I hope  she will enjoy taking part in and dare I say it look forward to sessioning with me*. This is something I have always aimed for since the start.

* I always joke in real life about what is the smallest group in the world?
The answer is the group of people who are genuinely glad to see me!
Insert hold their convention in a phone box and other old jokes here.

But there is a problem that happens every single time with me and I have no idea how to stop it.

Every time I see Mistress Lilith or any other of these wonderful special ladies in the flesh I lose all common sense and seem to turn into a babbling wreck. Even more so than I  usually am.
Any Mistress I have sessioned  with must think I am one of if not the most boring subs they deal with  me shutting off and being quiet and not attempting to play along with the excellent role play they provide.
I am pretty sure I bore them and they do not have fun dealing with me.

I know it is not a competition with other subs I know this I am neither jealous nor envious of anyone else in the sub business but if there wee a vote I would not win any best sub to session with I am sure I would be very low down on the list.

My memory goes my cognitive functions are all over the place.

You know getting dressed as a sissy before the session I hope that the straps on the high heels I wear are already fastened and I can slip them on why? because even after all these years I am so excited and scared that my hands shake so much that I can’t fasten the straps.

Now part of this I think is a tribute to Mistress Lilith. Nothing I say can do her justice (I would need to be a poet) but even now after nearly 6 years I still get a shock and my heart misses a beat when I see her.
Nobody I have ever met in any walk of life has had such an effect on me.
it is not just her looks I am way beyond superficial things like that (though she is so incredibly pretty) it is her whole personality and way her positivity and sense of fun yet dominate menace  lurking behind the twinkle in her eyes and her sweet sweet smile.

I have no idea what I am trying to say here. I think if you do anything for the best part of 6 years you are bound to eventually get at least passable at it. I fear I am no better a submissive than I was in 2013 when I first walked through the door and didn’t say an entire word throughout the session I was so nervous and scared.

None of this is Mistress Lilith’s fault I hasten to add she has always treated me with respect and put me at ease from day one. It is all on me,

I think part of the problem is I get too nervous and still am shy and will not take part in the role play.
I get nervous and instead of the quiet shy person I ma outwith a session in the real word during a session I babble and talk non stop sometimes very fast it is just nerves and I wish I did not do it.

Again I still do not know what I am trying to say here. What has prompted this boring navel gazing tripe of a post is I got an email from a very good friend I have made on twitter whos friendship and advice I respect and when he tells me I am in the wrong I listen,
It shook me to the core. Nothing dramatic to anyone else but the contents made me stop and think I need to take a long hard look at myself and how I conduct myself as a sub.

The thought that I would become a pest or a burden to Mistress Lilith and any actions in real life or online I have done would cause her any trouble or make her think less of me makes me literally want to cry then bang my head hard off a solid object repeatedly.

I don’t know what she thinks of me I know I should be happy that I am one of the very few subs she still sees now that she is in semi retirement and she would not tolerate anyone who she disliked or was giving her any problems as would any Dominatrix that is why they are as good at their job they are strong independent women who take absolutely no nonsense and are in full control.
I know I am really lucky that for whatever reasons I am allowed to be one of the very few still allowed to have a session with Mistress Lilith and I am so thankful.
But I look back and curse my eidetic* memory for I can play back word for word everything that I said in a session and I think ‘I should not have said that’ numerous times.

*Trust me to have something few adults have and trust me to make no use of this skill other than to remember entire conversations.
I look at tweets and emails and think some come across needy and clingy and over stepping the client Mistress relationship.
I worry that is why during the sessions I may bore her. I worry that I end up going out of character and talking to her as a friend This makes the sessions because of me follow the same path as I wont shut up and keep talking to Mistress Lilith as a friend not a Mistress who is there to punish me.
I know we can never be friends.Friendly yes the sessions are very friendly before and after and as I said even during the session I joke and gossip away but not real friends I understand why that can just not happen and I fully accept this.
But in an effort to be a good sub and try and make Mistress Lilith happy and enjoy our sessions the neurotic mess that is my general personality again makes me everything I do not want to be and I fear I end up coming across badly as a person and a client.

Maybe next session I should just ask for Mistress Lilith to decide ever aspect of it with no input from me. Get back to the way it should be safe sane and consensual of course but totally decided by Mistress Lilith what direction the session takes.Mistress Lilith should do things she enjoy in it to me not things I ask for. Perhaps I should suggest this.

All I know is I need to take a break from social media. Not email or text unless it is booking a session and generally leave Mistress Lilith in peace and just hope that in the next two months of me not going for a session or being in contact with her she still remember me and I am not a regular client anymore and unable to session with her.

So again I don’t know what this blog post means or if anyone could be bothered to read it to the end as it was actually a chore writing it.
A pathetic defence though I have worked 12 hour shifts for the past 5 days and am physically at breaking point.
After all this I still do not think I will manage a session till September as a recent robbery in my real life has meant I need to spend everything I earn on replacement items that were stolen.

But that is no excuse for this blog post.

See oursels as ithers see us

Been doing a lot of thinking recently.

Big changes in my vanilla life and in my kinky life.

I wrote at length here about my last session with Mistress Lilith which was the best I have ever had despite being very much the least physical punishment I have had in any session.
It has made me think more deeply about everything and has done more good for my mental health and well being than any mental health care professional has in the many years I have had treatment.

However me being me I have started to think more deeply about the session themselves and how I interact and a sub and a person with Mistress Lilith and other Mistresses I have been lucky to session with,

I think one of the most profound statements ever made (and he made lots of them) is this one by Robert Burns

As I am sure you know it is from the poem ‘To a louse’ and in it he describes a very posh and fancily dressed woman in church in amongst the scruff like himself and yet there is an insect in her hair despite all her finery.

What wise and thought provoking words.

How would life be if you knew exactly how other people saw you?

Would it be a blessing or a curse?

I wonder what Mistress Lilith thinks of me?

She has been from day one friendly and the more sessions and time I have spent in her company the more comfortable I feel and the more I like her.
Nothing she has ever said or done suggests that she dislikes me or just tolerates me I have always been treated with respect and I would like to think we have had a lot of fun during the session.
I don’t know what I am trying to get at here.
I just worry how do I appear to others and especially those I admire and respect..

It is not my depression talking or any paranoia.
It is just I try to be the best I can in everything in life.
Not a macho or competitive bone in my body it is not that.
It is more I try hard to be a good person and to have people like me and want to be in my company.

I would like it if people were glad to see me.
From the very few friends I have in life I feel I have failed in this respect in my real life.
The worry is in my fantasy life it is the same.

I want more than anything to be liked by Mistress Lilith.
To have her respect would make me feel so much better about myself and be able to cope with all the troubles I have in my life.
Not looking for favouritism or to be her favourite client it is not a competition with any other subs.
I just worry tremendously that my depression and naturally dour personality are too prevalent.

I know Mistress Lilith would not see me for sessions if she did not want to she is now in semi retirement and is picking and choosing who she sees.
So in that respect I know that I must be doing something right.
But I worry that as my particular type of session is much the same everytime that it may get boring for her.
Not that Mistress Lilith has always made things different and new each session more I am still far too shy and reserved to really let myself go during the session.

It is not just Mistress Lilith it is all the Mistresses I have been lucky enough to session with I think and worry about.
None of them I think and hope have not enjoyed the session.
There has been lots of laughter and chat during the sessiona.
But again there is this little voice that keeps whispering in my ear.

How do they really see me?
How do I come across?
Am I boring to session with?
Do they think oh no not him again?
If so how can I be a better sub and more fun?

I have never looked at a session as me calling the shots and demanding that everything is done to my specifications.
I have always wanted a session to be about me giving total control to a dominant woman and putting my trust in her and to take me wherever she thinks is best.
And the most important thing and I am brutally honest about this and mean this with all sincerity is that the Mistress I am with has fun and enjoys the session.
Thought I have no evidence to back this up I still would hate it and am concerned that this has not always been the case in previous sessions,

This is not new information or thoughts these have been with me since I took my first steps to becoming a submissive.

I am haunted by my own self doubts and if I am honest self loathing.

Not that many read this blog but I would be really interested to know what others think and if any fellow subs have similar doubts.I am on twitter at @Sissy_Sakur if you want to get in touch.

 

Mistress Lilith Mindfulness,Meditation and the art of a Zen spanking session

 

Mistress Lilith Mindfulness,Meditation and the art of a Zen spanking session

(contemplation on an introspective dreamlike afternoon full of endless wonder)

Need some background which I hope won’t bore my couple of regular readers.

Ive been ill for sometime and was back in Glasgow for a Doctors appointment which should have finished a full hour before my session with Mistress Lilith.
Due to a mix up with appointments I got seen 30 minutes later than I should have
I was then having to rush to get from one side of the city to the other in time for my session.

I arrived just in time to the wonderful studio Abstraktme but was out of breath and very stressed out.

Mistress Lilith sat me down and calmed me down.

I did not realise this at the time but she later told me I came into the studio in a state of shock and panic which quickly turned into a manic depressive episode.
I went from not saying anything and mumbling and looking down at my shoes to then talking 100 mph and speaking so fast little I said was making sense.
At the back of my mind there was some vital information I needed to tell Mistress Lilith but I was so frantic going from deep gloom to manic intensity I just could not recall what it was.

Mistress Lilith left the room and got me to dress up as my sissy alter ego Marmy.

When she came back in she ordered me to lie down on my back on the spanking bench.

I finally remembered what it was that was so important I got a bad injury and had been stamped on in the groin area during a football match.I was badly cut in the groin area but especially in at the inner thigh.
Mistress Lilith carefully looked at my wound and told me it looked a really bad one that was in danger of opening up again (It was a stud mark that was raked across my inner thigh about a 2 inch deep gash) so we were going to have a different session for me today.

Mistress Lilith ordered me to lie face down on the spanking bench.

She lifted up my skirt and pulled down my panties baring my bottom always a scary but thrilling experience knowing punishment is to come.

She told me I needed to just lie back and relax as she was going to punish me slowly but gently increase the severity. But what I needed most she said was to just talk to her and to listen to her talk to me.

This she told me was going to be a session like no other I have had.

What followed was remarkable almost beyond belief and the best session I have ever had and even now I feel glowing and an enormous sense of welling.

I was punished with a selection of floggers and straps. It was by far the least amount of pain and punishment I have had in over 5 years of sessions yes I had a couple of nice marks left on my bottom but it was way down on the severity scale that I am used to.

But it made sense. I felt the usual feelings of excitement and humiliation but at the same time it was like having a chat with your best friend with lots of laughs and interesting conversations.
I didn’t want it to ever end.

Cards on table I have struggled for years with mental illness with a couple of stays at mental hospitals when it got really bad. Had several years of therapy group and individual sessions with psychiatrists and psychologists CBT (Cognitive behaviour therapy not the CBT of BDSM community I should add ha ha) and in one under an hour session with Mistress Lilith I opened up and talked about myself more than I did in all the years of professional help.

This session was a cross between Meditation  and Mindfulness two disciplines I have been trying hard to incorporate into my real life
I mean I was so relaxed at one point despite being strapped on the bare with a heavy paddle Mistress Lilith told me she could see I was having goosebumps.
It was a real life ASMR reaction ( something else I have been using to help reduce my stress and depression)
That’s is how laid back and stress free I felt despite still getting a reasonably hard strapping

Mistress Lilith asked me what was wrong and I unloaded all the things that were worrying me.
She made me see the vast majority were nothing to worry about.
The ones that were left were things I could effect change on.
The very few I could not where things I had to make the most of and battle through.
She never judged me or spoke down to me she listened and gave me practical and very profound advice all which made perfect sense.

It wasn’t all one way Mistress Lilith without telling me too much of course spoke to me like a friend and told me a little of what was going on with her outside her professional life something though none of my business I was absolutely fascinated to hear about.

It really was an extraordinary session as I said the pain and punishment levels were way down on what I am used to but the sheer joy and happiness I felt were greater than I have ever experienced.

It was something I shall never forget and will cherish for ever than someone who I like and admire and have grown to love as a friend would be so honest and open with me and show such a genuine concern for me.
Nobody in my family or my few friends has shown such care and kindness towards me I have no idea why and I am pretty sure I don;t deserve it but I am so grateful that Mistress Lilith did this for me.
Mistress Lilith was honest and open with me.She gave me the right amount of good sound advice and was not afraid to tell me off and tell me I was talking a lot of rubbish.
She had the perfect bedside manner and due to her fun and infectious personality handled me with great care yet firm and no nonsense at the same time.
I’m never good in company even with people I have know all my life and close friends I feel uneasy a lot of the time I can’t help it for it is the chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me feel this way..
Not during this session.
Never have I felt more relaxed or comfortable with myself or in the company of someone else.
Hippy nonsense I know but I did feel at one with the Universe I had now worries or problems I felt a deep inner calm that I have never experienced before in my life at any time.It was a feeling I had never know and one I really want to feel again.

I came away from the session feeling a deep sense of love and for the first time in years more confidence in myself and my future.
Things are still very bad I have many problems but I am not the loser or as in a hopeless position as I thought I was and I can make things better especially with Mistress Lilith in my corner to help and advise and kick me up the backside when needed.
This was all due to Mistress Lilith seeing I was in a bad state of mind and not only helping but knowing exactly what to say and do to get the best out of me and make the session almost like a one on one therapy session with a trained mental health professional.

I don’t know how Mistress Lilith managed to see so quickly what was wrong with me and how she tailored on the spot the perfect remedy it really was such a skilful and amazing show of her skills as a Dominatrix and why she is the best in the business.

I am thankful that I am lucky enough to know her and to be able to session with her as her time is limited now and she can pick and choose whom she sees and I am so blessed to somehow be someone she will see.

My next session is just over a month away I am counting the days. There is a revamp to the studio and a new schoolroom will be in use.
Mistress Lilith told me she was going to spend the next month thinking up devious new punishments for me and I can’t wait to find out what they are.

Finally I appreciated what I had and who I was spending time with in the session the past was forgotten and the future was ignored as I spent the entire session enjoying the moment as it unfolded.

This video has helped me and finally thanks to Mistress Lilith talking to me and making me understand things better in the session I lived up to the words and ideas from it

It is always better to live in the present moment I fully agree but  however it is so much fun once in a while to look forward to the future to especially when you are going to spend some time with one of the most remarkable and wonderful people in the universe I feel is acceptable..

I am going to try and make up for lost time and savour and enjoy every single moment I spend in a session with Mistress Lilith.
She has made me a better person and it is time I lived up to the kindness and effort she has put into sorting me out.
In a session and outside a session I am going to resolve to be a better person and it is Mistress Lilith that has made me make this change in my mindset.