2018 was like everyone else I suppose was to be a new start.
So far it has not went well.
I have a major decision about my health to make and time is running out to do it.
Do I get a life threatening operation which has a good chance of not working or do I go onto even more heavy duty medication and try and brave it out and live with the horrendous side effects as I am doing now.
At work I am under terrific stress every day I work at a truly soul destroying and back breaking job.The money is good but I have to work long hours in poor conditions with a lot of very racist and bigoted people I would cross the street to avoid if I seen them in town
I have tried to get another job but even getting an interview is difficult so for the foreseeable future I am stuck with this one
This is also affecting my mental health. I am pretty much alone here my partner with her work more or less does a night shift and I am on a long 7am-6pm most days day shift so we hardly see each other. Im basically tired and ready to go to bed while she is full of beans and upbeat.She works from home and keeps me awake all night while she is working so I get very little sleep which does not help.
What I am supposed to do I cant work a day shift and stay awake keeping someone company who is doing a nightshift
A lot of my work is spent alone in yard doing manual labour I can more or less go the whole work day without really having any sort of conversation with anyone.
I am incredibly lonely.
At my last visit to the doctors he sent me for a consultation with a psychiatric nurse. I have had serious mental health issues in the past bad enough to be hospitalised on a number of occasions.
She suggested I join a local befriending scheme which would get me out with other people in a similar position.
I dont want to do this for a number of reasons
Mainly I am very shy and the thought of this frightens me a lot
I am also constantly tired from work I am not a psychically strong man and the work I do takes so much out of me by the end of the day I have little energy left.
I dont seem to get on well people in real life or the cyber one
I am the common denominator this is 100% on me I have nobody else to blame I cant even make friends online even when I try the real me comes out I do or say something stupid or pathetic and they end up getting fed up with me.
You know what I dont blame them one bit.
One of my many character flaws I am afraid I wish I knew how to change
Right now there is nothing I like about myself.
I have put on weight since my illness has stopped me playing football
I look a short fat ugly mess much older than my age
I am not vain and have never considered myself attractive basically one person in my entire life has told me I am attractive and she was an angel so it doesnt count.
So I can live with being seen as ugly and unattractive.
But that is not all that is wrong
My haircut and general appearance is shabby I look a state not just in my mind to everyone
I cant look in a mirror to shave or wash properly all I see is the terrible squint in my eye
The last session I kept covering it with my wig and it made me feel better.All the Mistresses I was with kept sweeping it away sometimes brushing it into a style and saying I was to not hide behind the wig.
I didnt have the courage to tell them I need to hide behind it,not to look convincing when dressed up because I know I dont (and I dont actually care) but to feel at least a little bit confident that my horrible deformed eye is not all they see staring at them.
It was the first session I have had where I felt really bad about myself.
What was being said to me as part of a head girl/school bully normally I think I could have handled but I took every word to heart.
Basically because I believe them to be true
I got a message from Mistress Lilith telling me she wanted me more positive and not to let things get to me like this horrible twitter stalker who continues to sporadically plagues me.
She is holding me to the promise that I will be more upbeat and open in the sessions and bring no gloom or stress to the studio.
Well 7th January I have already blew that one up
Letting down the most wonderful person I will ever meet someone who fills my heart with joy and my life with excitement just makes me hate myself even more.
I dont know what to do
My football is done whether I get this operation or not my body is just done at least 10 years past its sell by date.
The sessions have give me as much if not more joy than the football has ever done but I dont know anymore if I should continue.
It is the best thing that has ever happened to me better than I dared dream but I dont think I am any use anymore.
See this is the thing.The beauty of the internet is you can be anyone you want make any claims of being an Astronaut or F1 driver. You can even be the opposite sex if you want. Anybody can reinvent them self make them self a better version a more interesting likeable fun version a fantasy of who they would like to be.
But not me.
When I go on it what you get is exactly what I am.
There is not one difference from what you read about me or what I claim to what my real life is
I am the very perfect version of blah and ordinary with no self esteem at all.
A messed up,unconfident,confused,scared depressing and incredibly boring man.
I dont think I belong in this world either the vanilla or fantasy one I dont fit in in either and am pretty much unliked and lonely in both.
Eventually everybody will find me out there is only so much of my negative personality anyone can take/
Again I dont blame them people have problems of their own and going online especially in the BDSM community is a way of escaping so why read self pitying depressive diatribe like this.
So thats basically it.If anyone has had the misfortune to read this I apologise.
On the bright side I dont think I will be posting much longer so there is that to look forward to