Been doing a lot of thinking recently.
Big changes in my vanilla life and in my kinky life.
I wrote at length here about my last session with Mistress Lilith which was the best I have ever had despite being very much the least physical punishment I have had in any session.
It has made me think more deeply about everything and has done more good for my mental health and well being than any mental health care professional has in the many years I have had treatment.
However me being me I have started to think more deeply about the session themselves and how I interact and a sub and a person with Mistress Lilith and other Mistresses I have been lucky to session with,
I think one of the most profound statements ever made (and he made lots of them) is this one by Robert Burns
As I am sure you know it is from the poem ‘To a louse’ and in it he describes a very posh and fancily dressed woman in church in amongst the scruff like himself and yet there is an insect in her hair despite all her finery.
What wise and thought provoking words.
How would life be if you knew exactly how other people saw you?
Would it be a blessing or a curse?
I wonder what Mistress Lilith thinks of me?
She has been from day one friendly and the more sessions and time I have spent in her company the more comfortable I feel and the more I like her.
Nothing she has ever said or done suggests that she dislikes me or just tolerates me I have always been treated with respect and I would like to think we have had a lot of fun during the session.
I don’t know what I am trying to get at here.
I just worry how do I appear to others and especially those I admire and respect..
It is not my depression talking or any paranoia.
It is just I try to be the best I can in everything in life.
Not a macho or competitive bone in my body it is not that.
It is more I try hard to be a good person and to have people like me and want to be in my company.
I would like it if people were glad to see me.
From the very few friends I have in life I feel I have failed in this respect in my real life.
The worry is in my fantasy life it is the same.
I want more than anything to be liked by Mistress Lilith.
To have her respect would make me feel so much better about myself and be able to cope with all the troubles I have in my life.
Not looking for favouritism or to be her favourite client it is not a competition with any other subs.
I just worry tremendously that my depression and naturally dour personality are too prevalent.
I know Mistress Lilith would not see me for sessions if she did not want to she is now in semi retirement and is picking and choosing who she sees.
So in that respect I know that I must be doing something right.
But I worry that as my particular type of session is much the same everytime that it may get boring for her.
Not that Mistress Lilith has always made things different and new each session more I am still far too shy and reserved to really let myself go during the session.
It is not just Mistress Lilith it is all the Mistresses I have been lucky enough to session with I think and worry about.
None of them I think and hope have not enjoyed the session.
There has been lots of laughter and chat during the sessiona.
But again there is this little voice that keeps whispering in my ear.
How do they really see me?
How do I come across?
Am I boring to session with?
Do they think oh no not him again?
If so how can I be a better sub and more fun?
I have never looked at a session as me calling the shots and demanding that everything is done to my specifications.
I have always wanted a session to be about me giving total control to a dominant woman and putting my trust in her and to take me wherever she thinks is best.
And the most important thing and I am brutally honest about this and mean this with all sincerity is that the Mistress I am with has fun and enjoys the session.
Thought I have no evidence to back this up I still would hate it and am concerned that this has not always been the case in previous sessions,
This is not new information or thoughts these have been with me since I took my first steps to becoming a submissive.
I am haunted by my own self doubts and if I am honest self loathing.
Not that many read this blog but I would be really interested to know what others think and if any fellow subs have similar doubts.I am on twitter at @Sissy_Sakur if you want to get in touch.