When I am walking down the stairs after a spanking session I am as happy as I have ever been in my life.
I truly am walking on air my heart is racing and my mind is just as frantic.
Going out into the noisy busy road outside the studio everything seems brighter and yet still somehow a blur almost like the the feeling you get when you are at the swimming baths and swim to the bottom of the deep end all the noise and lights fade into a murmur.
My mind races and throws off memories like sparks from a Catherine wheel
Did Mistress Lilith really spank me with the big wooden hairbrush till I cried?
Did Mistress Argenta tawse my hands so hard they are already bruised and then with a smile persuade me to take even more?
Did I just meet Miss Paige Delight for the first time? And did she with the minimum of fuss insert a butt plug in me then cane me severely?
The answer is of course yes and these wonderful,beautiful,strict and fun ladies make me glad to be alive*
These feelings of absolute joy and ecstasy last a long time with me.I am not talking about the same day as a session I am talking for about a week afterwards I still feel as if I am walking on air.
All through the next few days at work my mind goes back the the session and I replay in in my head. I daydream constantly and try and imagine I am back there.
I go through the session and think about what happened and how I can be better the next time.
* I would also urge you strongly to follow the twitter feeds of
Mistress Lilith twitter
But time goes on.Real life takes over.responsibilities and pressure of work and home soon take over.
The memories of the sessions start to fade as much as I try to save them the just face away bit by bit.
There is nothing I can do about this no matter how hard I try I have to accept that the sessions have to end and I have to get on with my boring real life.
I try to get as many sessions as possible,I am by no means wealthy but money is not really a problem I can have a session every month if I want the problem is the studio is so busy getting one booked is difficult and getting back from work and other commitments is not easy.
So at the best of times getting a regular session is something I have to cope with.
In between sessions is hard. I like the submission and punishment I get so much it makes me feel so happy so free of responsibility. I do not have a care in the world when I am under the control and at the mercy of a Mistress
Without going over the top it makes me glad to be alive.
When waiting for a session it is difficult for me.My life is by no means hard but it is full of stress and pressure.
I have so many responsibilities and so many people I have to look after and it really is lonely and stressful for me.
Keeping my feelings of wanting to submit and dominate is actually difficult.
I have no outlet at all no way to express myself I have to be boring and vanilla.
I have made some good friends on twitter * and they are a positive boon to me.To have fellow subs to talk to really is something to cherish as nobody in my real life knows about this side to me.
Of course me being me I am sure they often think me a pain when I turn into my neurotic self
But without them I would struggle much more than I do now.
* You know who you are I do not want to disrespect your anonymity so I will not mention your twitter names but thank you.
So how can I cope between sessions? Especially now when I am going to be out of commission for several months as I have some medical problems that require operations and lengthy hospital stays
It could be Christmas or even later before I will make it back
The answer is I do not know
I am really worried more than I have ever been since I started visiting a Mistress.
My main concern is I will be forgotten by all the Mistresses I session with.
They are all really popular have many subs who they see regularly and I am hard enough to remember I am pretty sure I am not a sub who makes a good impression or is one who will be talked about.
I used to have some out of session tasks that Mistress Lilith would give me.
Normally a set amount of punishment lines which I would have to write out and then post on twitter for everyone to see.
I loved this so much it made me feel close to Mistress and also it made me feel as if I was still under her control. It kept me going between sessions.
The great pleasure I felt sitting in my lunch hour writing out lines is one I cherish and I miss doing this as Mistress Lilith no longer offers this service.
So now I struggle and without sounding melodramatic it actually is starting to get me down.
I know I cant be a full time submissive. I understand that unless I have a lottery win I have to have a real boring life with sessions scattered now and then to brighten things up.
But the longer between sessions the harder it is to cope.
I find now a overwhelming sadness is starting to take over and it is getting worse and worse and really has me in a bad way and I am starting to lose hope.
There is a feeling of loss that shadows all that I do.
Having these submissive feelings for so many years and stupidly and cowardly taking so long to do anything about it is something I will never forgive myself for.
Now that I have let loose these feeling and accepted that this is who I am and this is a huge part of who I feel I am naturally supposed to be to have it almost taken away from me and be denied is something that makes me so desperately unhappy
Nothing really helps ease the melancholy I dont want to be a pest on twitter or email to the Mistresses I know the last thing I want is for them to think unkindly or consider me needy and a pain that would destroy me if I knew they thought that way about me.
I something think I should just bite the bullet and leave all together.
The door closes on a session and the wait for it to open again seems longer and longer.