When the door closes after a spanking session then what?

When I am walking down the stairs after a spanking session I am as happy as I have ever been in my life.
I truly am walking on air my heart is racing and my mind is just as frantic.
Going out into the noisy busy road outside the studio everything seems brighter and yet still somehow a blur almost like the the feeling you get when you are at the swimming baths and swim to the bottom of the deep end all the noise and lights fade into a murmur.
My mind races and throws off memories like sparks from a Catherine wheel
Did Mistress Lilith really spank me with the big wooden hairbrush till I cried?
Did Mistress Argenta tawse my hands so hard they are already bruised and then with a smile persuade me to take even more?
Did I just meet Miss Paige Delight for the first time? And did she with the minimum of fuss insert a butt plug in me then cane me severely?
The answer is of course yes and these wonderful,beautiful,strict and fun ladies make me glad to be alive*
These feelings of absolute joy and ecstasy last a long time with me.I am not talking about the same day as a session I am talking for about a week afterwards I still feel as if I am walking on air.
All through the next few days at work my mind goes back the the session and I replay in in my head. I daydream constantly and try and imagine I am back there.
I go through the session and think about what happened and how I can be better the next time.

* I would also urge  you strongly to  follow the twitter feeds of 
Mistress Lilith twitter

Mistress Argent twitter

Miss Paige Delight twitter


But time goes on.Real life takes over.responsibilities and pressure of work and home soon take over.
The memories of the sessions start to fade as much as I try to save them the just face away bit by bit.
There is nothing I can do about this no matter how hard I try I have to accept that the sessions have to end and I have to get on with my boring real life.
I try to get as many sessions as possible,I am by no means wealthy but money is not really a problem I can have a session every month if I want the problem is the studio is so busy getting one booked is difficult and getting back from work and other commitments is not easy.
So at the best of times getting a regular session is something I have to cope with.

In between sessions is hard. I like the submission and punishment I get so much it makes me feel so happy so free of responsibility. I do not have a care in the world when I am under the control and at the mercy of a Mistress
Without going over the top it makes me glad to be alive.

When waiting for a session it is difficult for me.My life is by no means hard but it is full of stress and pressure.
I have so many responsibilities and so many people I have to look after and it really is lonely and stressful for me.
Keeping my feelings of wanting to submit and dominate is actually difficult.
I have no outlet at all no way to express myself I have to be boring and vanilla.

I have made some good friends on twitter * and they are a positive boon to me.To have fellow subs to talk to really is something to cherish as nobody in my real life knows about this side to me.
Of course me being me I am sure they often think me a pain when I turn into my neurotic self
But without them I would struggle much more than I do now.

* You know who you are I do not want to disrespect your anonymity so I will not mention your twitter names but thank you.

So how can I cope between sessions? Especially now when I am going to be out of commission for several months as I have some medical problems that require operations and lengthy hospital stays
It could be Christmas or even later before I will make it back

The answer is I do not know
I am really worried more than I have ever been since I started visiting a Mistress.
My main concern is I will be forgotten by all the Mistresses I session with.
They are all really popular have many subs who they see regularly and I am hard enough to remember I am pretty sure I am not a sub who makes a good impression or is one who will be talked about.

I used to have some out of session tasks that Mistress Lilith would give me.
Normally a set amount of punishment lines which I would have to write out and then post on twitter for everyone to see.
I loved this so much it made me feel close to Mistress and also it made me feel as if I was still under her control. It kept me going between sessions.
The great pleasure I felt sitting in my lunch hour writing out lines is one I cherish and I miss doing this as Mistress Lilith no longer offers this service.

So now I struggle and without sounding melodramatic it actually is starting to get me down.
I know I cant be a full time submissive. I understand that unless I have a lottery win I have to have a real boring life with sessions scattered now and then to brighten things up.
But the longer between sessions the harder it is to cope.
I find now a overwhelming sadness is starting to take over and it is getting worse and worse and really has me in a bad way and I am starting to lose hope.
There is a feeling of loss that shadows all that I do.
Having these submissive feelings for so many years and stupidly and cowardly taking so long to do anything about it is something I will never forgive myself for.
Now that I have let loose these feeling and accepted that this is who I am and this is a huge part of who I feel I am naturally supposed to be to have it almost taken away from me and be denied is something that makes me so desperately unhappy
Nothing really helps ease the melancholy I dont want to be a pest on twitter or email to the Mistresses I know the last thing I want is for them to think unkindly or consider me needy and a pain that would destroy me if I knew they thought that way about me.
I something think I should just bite the bullet and leave all together.

The door closes on a session and the wait for it to open again seems longer and longer.




The sadness of being abused online

It is sad I have to waste time and effort on this but feel recent events leave me no choice.

I promise the following is the truth and I have written it exactly as it happened even putting in facts that embarrass and make me look bad.

Since I started in this journey into submission and visiting a Mistress the people I have met in real life and online have been nothing but lovely,kind.friendly and supportive.

All with one exception.

About two years ago I gained a new twitter follower. He seemed both interested and confused about how he would take his interest in visiting a Mistress for the first time and asked me both publicly and via Direct message for advice.

Knowing that there are a number of time wasters out there plus others whoa sole objective seems to be mining addresses of both Mistresses and their studios/dungeon I was very guarded in what information I gave out.

I advised him how to contact a Mistress and how to ask in the proper manner to arrange for a session. I sent him a link to my blog post entitled ‘Everything you wanted to know about visiting a Mistress (but where too scared to ask) ‘ as it contained all the information I wished I had before I first tried to book a session.

I received a number of further messages asking me about specific Mistresses who I had sessioned with before and asking which one I thought was best.

Again I was mostly non committal and once more gave basic advice on the correct manner on sending an email or phone call and I left it at that.

About a fortnight later my twitter feed was filled with nasty personal abuse from this person. He said he contacted one of the Mistresses I recommended and she ended up telling him in no uncertain terms  where to go.
I tried to be diplomatic and sent him a nice private message asking what the problem was.He replied he sent detailed instruction on what the type of session he wanted what the Mistress should wear and say to him and what punishments he expected and that he wanted a discount on the tribute.

Again I replied in measured tones saying that I felt making demands on a Mistress like that was not the best start to forging a lasting professional relationship and asking for a discount was always going to get you  the short shift.
At no time at all did I contact the Mistress in question about the new client I never made any remarks on twitter or online or offline about him once I passed the Mistress names to the potential client for me that was the end of my involvement.

Apparently he then tried it on with another Mistress I recommended with the same lack of respect and demands and was then told he was not welcome at the studio and was blocked by most of the Mistresses who work there.

Again I was oblivious to all this I had nothing to do with it at all I never discussed him at all and  had no idea any of this happened until he started ranting and raving at me.

Everyday I would receive a torrent of abuse on my twitter page and by direct message. I stupidly told him how I felt about one particular Mistress a private and personal thing and he screen grabbed the message and posted it to the Mistress and the whole of twitter.

To be honest this is the only real lasting damage that he did I felt so embarrassed that a very private and personal thought that I gave out in confidence about someone I care deeply about was plastered all over Twitter.
I didn’t think I would be able to session with the Mistress again because of this as I was scared how she would feel seeing me for a session after reading my very private thoughts about her.
He called me all sort of hurtful things posted messages everywhere that I was a danger to my Mistress and I should be banned from seeing her or anyone else.
It got so bad I quit my twitter page and started up another one under another name.
This worked for a while but he found me again and the abuse and hurtful accusations and words continued.

Now it seems to be he disappears for a couple of months at a time only to come back under another username to start the hate campaign again.
He has befriended a friend of mine on twitter and managed again to get information about me from him (absolutely not his fault) and again is spreading lies and very cruel and hurtful things about me.
The really worrying thing is I start to get neurotic and wonder if some of the things he says are true and it makes me so very sad.

I really do not like seeing such cruel and nasty things written about me constantly and no matter how much I try to ignore them or block the multiple usernames he uses it is starting to get to me.

I really don’t know what to do about this as I have said before my journey into this wonderful new world has met with nothing but kindness and friendship and lots of laughs from everyone else I have met except this person.
It makes me very upset and tonight I will go to bed with a very heavy heart and a deep sadness.

Belated review of 2016

Last year I only managed 4 sessions.

4 with the wonderful Mistress Lilith



Plus the first  of the sessions were double sessions with the amazing Mistress Argenta



All taking place at the wonderful venue that is Abstraktme

It was a a very frustrating year indeed with semi serious illness stopping me from coming back for more sessions plus an act of god when a flash flood stopped me from seeing Mistress Lilith.

However the four sessions I did have were memorable and probably the most enjoyable I have had since I started my journey into the word of submission.

Again I think and hope that I entertained and Mistress had a good time during the sessions this is very important to me.

My limits were pushed and I was skilfully and with great care and attention pushed out of my comfort zone.

I don’t think I ever got my sissy outfit right in any of the sessions but I find I enjoy the dressing up more and more and I hope to try and get the perfect outfit and look at my next session.
This is the exactly the sort of skirt I dream of wearing  the wide belt is important I like the feel of a tight belt around my waist as I am being spanked the same as I like the feeling of the bra straps and the straps on the high heels I wear.
I also want to wear proper stockings and suspenders and I have bought a womans large gold watch and I want to wear this as well you see I want to feel and look exactly like the naughty teenage schoolgirl/apprentice secretary as I can and want everything to be right.
I would like it as well if Mistress could put my wig in a ponytail or bunches to complete the look.


There were several highlights.

Mistress Lilith nearly fulfilled a long time fantasy of mine.
I have always wanted to be like the women in the spanking videos over the knee spanked but their aunty/mother/taeacher but spanked till real tears flow.

This nearly happened.I had a blistering hand spanking then Mistress Lilith followed it up with me being bent over the spanking bench and some very hard strokes with the paddle with holes in it being administred.
When I thought the over the knee action was done I was then told as I was so naughty extra punishment was needed.
I was pulled back over Mistresses knee and the wooden bath brush was used on me for the first time.
Mistress Lilith not only hit me very hard and fast with the brush she also kept up a non stop stream of scolding commenting on my short skirt and high heels and how much of a tart I was and if I liked bending over and showing off my bottom in a short skirt she was going to make sure it was as red and marked as possible.
This spanking was very painful and for first time I was struggling to cope and Mistress was having to hold me down quite hard with her hand on the small of my back pushing down as I tried to move away from the blows.
My eyes were full of tears I wasn’t crying properly but it would not have taken a lot for me to do so and the experience was wonderful.

I was also punished with two of the most severe implements used on me so far.
A vicious studded paddle one side was agony the other side of it even worse.
Then the innocent looking vegan whip which had me crying out with every stroke.

Mistress Argenta treated me to the most painful caning I have yet had.
It was only four strokes for some reason but on this occasions she hit me as hard as she possibly could and I had 4 red raised wheals on my backside for 7 days the longest so far any marks have lasted.
I have not had a proper over the knee hairbrush spanking from Mistress Argenta yet hopefully this year will see this happen.
I also think it is time my virginity was properly taken.I have had several butt plugs inserted but now think it is time to be brave and try having the strap on used on me.I may not like it but as Mistress Lilith says it is good to experiment and push boundries and comfort zones.

As always Mistress Lilith and Argenta were a absolute joy to session with the sessions were fun but had plenty of intense periods of serious punishment I felt safe at all times with them and cannot recommend them enough.

I hope to have a session before the end of Feburary and I can’t wait.

Twitter Q&A

Was asked a few questions on twitter by a friend so wrote this blog post to answer them.

Again I direct you to the two most amazing Mistresses I know and urge you to check out their websites and the website of the studio where the magic takes place.

Mistress Lilith

Mistress Argenta

Glasgow dungeon studio

1 How did you feel 1st session

A nervous wreck. Seriously could not think straight.My teeth where chattering so much I had to hold my lower jaw to stop them.
My legs threatened on more than one occasion to give way I was shaking so much.

I had emailed and texted Mistress Lilith several times before the session to make sure I would have everything right on the day but when the day came and I finally met her I was not prepared and I was an absolute shambles.

Mistress Lilith was totally amazing with me and looked after me and gave me a fantastic first session but I really was a wreck and never fully embraced and enjoyed the session as I should have I was that shy and reserved.

I worry sometimes I am still like this in a session.

2 Best thing about being a sub

To be able to experience if only for a short time the total and complete submission that comes with being with a dominant woman.
To submit and put your trust in someone who can explore and lead you into a world that you only dared dreamed about.
Then to find out what you dreamed about for thirty years is even better in reality.
To be in a state that you feel naturally comfortable in and be more relaxed than you have ever felt in your life.

I just feel right when I am submissive everything is in order in my universe
I am not educated enough to explain it properly I am afraid.

3 Worse thing if any

I can’t get back to session nearly often enough it is not financially that is the problem it is finding the time.
The other thing is I have gotten to know Mistress Lilith and Mistress Argenta both in and out of sessions and as people I really like them.
Not just as Mistresses which they both excel but I like them when we are talking after the session.
I find myself during the day seeing something and I think Mistress would like that and I take out my phone to text them then I realise I am out of order sending a text message as Mistress is busy and has no time for my gossip nor do I have any right to intrude in her life outwith a session.

You see the very worse thing about meeting and being with these wonderful ladies.is you really like them and being in there company. Nobody I have met before or since has filled me with such joy and wonder.

Seriously if I had one wish it would be that I would love more than anything to meet them for lunch or buy them a drink in a bar and just talk not necessarily about the BDSM scene just talk as they are both so interesting and fun to be around.

So the worst thing is despite the sessions and afterwards being friendly with Mistress you can never be a friend. You can never send a funny email or a facebook friend request there has to be a professional distance kept and. I fully respect and understand this but it makes me really sad beyond words that I can never be a real friend to either of them.

4 What would you do differently if starting again

Not be as nervous and start having sessions as soon as possible.
This is part of me and to deny it for so long seems such a waste as I look back.

5 Advice for any newbies

Choose your Mistress carefully there are many out there so research carefully
I did a blog post which I stand by.
Advice for newbies

6 Why are you giving up

I don’t know

I just am messed up right now I can’t seem to get the timing right to get back for a session.
I miss both Mistress Lilith and Mistress Argenta so much.

I’ve seen photos of other subs in session on twitter and they all look great.
Right now I really fat and ugly and cross-eyed you would never post my session picture on twitter

I also worry that my shyness makes me too reserved and therefore boring to both of them during a session they are too professional and nice to say anything but I have dreamed about being one of their most favourite subs to session with but I suspect and fear the opposite is true I worry it is a case of ‘oh no not him again’

This breaks my heart

7 Describe what    mean to you in 140 characters

This will take more than a twitter word limit.

Mistress Lilith instills in me a sense of endless wonder.

Even as a somewhat militant atheist she creates an almost religious sense of awe when I am in her company.
The world is increasing obsessed with looks but I have never been one for commenting on anyone’s attractiveness.
However Mistress Lilith is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen not just in real life anywhere and I include models and Hollywood actresses in that.

You have to see her and be in her company I can’t possible do her justice.
Every time I go back for a session I am always taken aback with how pretty she is.

But it is not just looks as a person she is by some distance the most fascinating person I have ever met.
Highly intelligent and with a wicked and infections sense of fun and humour there really is nobody like her The time spent with her makes my life so much happier every minute in her company is to be treasured there is nobody else I would rather spend time with.
I try so hard during a session to make her happy as she makes my life so joyful.
When I am with her all my troubles and worries vanish and I feel truly happy a happiness I do not feel anywhere else.

She is just the most remarkable person I know I am so lucky and grateful to know her at all
I think about her often and miss her terribly in between sessions.

Mistress Argenta is truly a force of nature.

When she walks into the room the whole world brightens the colours and sounds all around you are brighter and louder.
I have never know such a person whos personality is such fun yet at the same time is dominant and no nonsense.
Mistress Argenta is simply a joy to be in company with she is so funny and has a great sense of humour and can put you at ease and have you laughing then in an instant have you on your knees in submission.
When I first met Mistress Argenta it was part of a triple domme session
I was not prepared for it when they all walked into the room in fact I hid my eyes under my wig and my chin touched my chest my head was so low.
Mistress Argenta walked up to me slowly lifted my head up with a finger and smiled then winked at me.
She could tell I was scared and in a bit of distress and she made me feel better by this small but beautiful act of kindness
It was a truly nice and remarkable thing to do and I have loved her for it ever since

Humiliation as well as pain

Been asked by a friend on twitter about a witnessed spanking done by more than one Mistress and would I like it.

Now this is something that I have sort of had done but not to the extent I would like.

The idea of a number of Mistresses watching me dressed as a sissy getting an over the knee spanking and listening to their taunts and threats of what they were going to do when it was their turn almost gives me a heart attack.
Then one by one having to go over their knees for a spanking is just so wonderful to contemplate.

My last session was a joint session and I was given six of the cane by  Mistress Lilith and she specifically asked for Mistress Argenta to stay and watch her administer it.

Six of the cane from Mistress Lilith is normally a very painful experience but having it done in front of a laughing Mistress Argenta made it worse.
Both Mistress Lilith and Mistress Argenta commented on my crying out and how many marks were on my bottom and how I deserved it which was so exciting for me.
I didn’t think when I first became a sub and visited a Mistress that I would like humiliation but  I do not at the time of course but when I look back at the session.

Mistress Lilith has threatened to dress me as a slut with short skirt stockings and suspenders and heels then put me on a lazy Susan table and have me spun around and spanked by lots of Mistresses.
This would be a dream come true but very scary at the same time but getting that amount of these very busy ladies in the same place plus my finances makes me sadly think it will never happen

2015 A year of a sub reviewed

Last year I managed 6 sessions.

4 with the wonderful Mistress Lilith



Plus the first and last of the sessions were double sessions with the amazing Mistress Argenta



The year started with the worst session I have had due to the fact I was unable to get my injections in my knees for my arthritis jag and hobbled throughout.
The Mistresses were wonderful I was terrible

The spring summer sessions were fantastic and saw me experience more anal abuse with butt plugs and a terrible first meeting with the studded paddle which saw me crying a lot after 6 strokes from each side.

The last session of the year contained some of the best moments of my journey as a submissive so far.

It included a spit roast punishment of being strapped into the spanking bench with Mistress Lilith caning my bare bottom while Mistress Argenta strapped my hands with the tawse at the same time.

All the while I was to sing Christmas songs.

In fact it is often said the loudest sound ever heard by humans was the eruption of Krakatoa in 1883 more info here

Not true.
Half way through a chorus of #When Santa got stuck up the chimney#
Mistress Argenta gave me a stroke of the Glasgow tawse that shook the whole building and made Mistress Lilith stop caning and applaud in admiration and make me cry out in pain and tears flow.
It is the hardest single blow I have been issued with so far and it was a wonderful thing to experience

2016 I hope to be back for double figure sessions and I can wait
as long as I do not experience too much of the studded paddle that is.

Mea culpa

I got a long message from a nice friend on twitter today.

He told me a few home truths in a kind but firm way.

It hurt to read but I like to think of myself as an honest and truthful person and I agreed with what he said.

I have been to pushy,clingy,demanding anything along those lines with my Mistress and I didn’t realise it till it was pointed out to me.
To do this to someone who I not only admire and respect but have a true strong platonic love for makes me want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world and myself it is unforgivable.

My life right now has been full of setbacks and loss.It happens to everyone I guess at sometime when a run of misfortune and several crisis all happen at the same time.
How we deal with it defines how we are and how we are seen by others.
I have not coped well in fact the opposite is true I have went to pieces I am afraid.

My coping mechanism has been trying to block out the reality of my personal and work life and think of my fantasy life as a sissy who semi regularly visits a professional top class Mistress for spanking and discipline sessions.
More and more I have been looking back at these visits and it has helped ease the mental anguish of my day to day existence which threatens to overwhelm me with sadness and despair.

My situation if you have read any previous blog posts is quite difficult i am in basically a  loveless relationship where I know I annoy and probably bore my partner.This is mainly my fault as I should have never entered this relationship in the first place it was a rebound from the love of my life and I panicked and thought nobody else would ever want to be with me ever again.
I live a reasonable distance from Glasgow and have a job I like but truly terrible working conditions and hours that mean getting back for sessions is so very difficult only really a Saturday is possible
This of course meaning getting an appointment to see a world class Mistress on the only one day who is very much in demand is nearly impossible.

My friend told me I had Stockholm Syndrome. I think he is getting a little mixed up with his psychology but I get what he means as the sessions are so exciting and intense and fun that they are addictive and in times of great sadness and stress it is natural that I would like an escape to somewhere I feel safe and I can be someone else and have no worries.
He told me I had to back off and give Mistress space and realise she has a personal life outwith the sessions and her life is more than twitter emails and the dungeon.

I fully accept this and always have but now worry I have overstepped the boundaries of sub Mistress relationship.

I am looking back and I am trying to see where I am going wrong.

I understand a lot more than I used to.I know despite any Mistress i have been lucky to session with all being fun and friendly the whole truth of the matter is it is a professional relationship.
Sad as it seems you can’t be a friend to a Mistress much as i would like to be it just can’t happen.
Often I have seen something on the internet or read a book I know Mistress would like and I want to send a text or email about it but I always stop myself as email is for business only and not my boring twaddle.
I read another Mistress i know saying if she met a sub in the street she would expect the sub not to talk to her and just walk past without an acknowledgement.
I would hate to do this but understand and accept the reasons why it has to be this way.
All Mistresses need and deserve a private life and to be left alone.

Honestly I have tried to be respectful and not send constant texts or emails apart from the one email i sent last week 3 times by mistake because of yahoo email being rubbish and not putting the email in my sent folder till it was resent.

But this long twitter message made me realise how much of a pain I really am.
It shocked me how unfeeling and selfish I have been.

In my defence when you meet someone as special as Mistress is you can’t help wanting to be in a session with them as much as possible especially when it is your only refuge from the struggle of the real world.

But I am livid and disgusted with myself that everyone has seemed to see what I could not that I am not the unselfish kind hearted person I try to be and rather a demanding and thoughtless brute.

I take full responsibility for my actions and I don’t ask for forgiveness as I do not deserve it.

There is no point in trying to make amends I have more than once now let my neurosis spoil things for me and cause annoyance and waste the time of someone wonderful who has only brought sheer joy,happiness and excitement to me.

I have nowhere else to go now in my journey of submission I can’t be trusted not to make a nuisance of myself and cause trouble.
I truly am nothing and deserve to get nothing and it is all over sadly.

No one else is to blame and it is for the best any sadness I have is a price worth paying rather than continually being a nuisance and causing more trouble down the line.

My Hyperthymesia is a curse and a blessing so i will always have the memories to look back on.