See oursels as ithers see us

Been doing a lot of thinking recently.

Big changes in my vanilla life and in my kinky life.

I wrote at length here about my last session with Mistress Lilith which was the best I have ever had despite being very much the least physical punishment I have had in any session.
It has made me think more deeply about everything and has done more good for my mental health and well being than any mental health care professional has in the many years I have had treatment.

However me being me I have started to think more deeply about the session themselves and how I interact and a sub and a person with Mistress Lilith and other Mistresses I have been lucky to session with,

I think one of the most profound statements ever made (and he made lots of them) is this one by Robert Burns

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As I am sure you know it is from the poem ‘To a louse’ and in it he describes a very posh and fancily dressed woman in church in amongst the scruff like himself and yet there is an insect in her hair despite all her finery.

What wise and thought provoking words.

How would life be if you knew exactly how other people saw you?

Would it be a blessing or a curse?

I wonder what Mistress Lilith thinks of me?

She has been from day one friendly and the more sessions and time I have spent in her company the more comfortable I feel and the more I like her.
Nothing she has ever said or done suggests that she dislikes me or just tolerates me I have always been treated with respect and I would like to think we have had a lot of fun during the session.
I don’t know what I am trying to get at here.
I just worry how do I appear to others and especially those I admire and respect..

It is not my depression talking or any paranoia.
It is just I try to be the best I can in everything in life.
Not a macho or competitive bone in my body it is not that.
It is more I try hard to be a good person and to have people like me and want to be in my company.

I would like it if people were glad to see me.
From the very few friends I have in life I feel I have failed in this respect in my real life.
The worry is in my fantasy life it is the same.

I want more than anything to be liked by Mistress Lilith.
To have her respect would make me feel so much better about myself and be able to cope with all the troubles I have in my life.
Not looking for favouritism or to be her favourite client it is not a competition with any other subs.
I just worry tremendously that my depression and naturally dour personality are too prevalent.

I know Mistress Lilith would not see me for sessions if she did not want to she is now in semi retirement and is picking and choosing who she sees.
So in that respect I know that I must be doing something right.
But I worry that as my particular type of session is much the same everytime that it may get boring for her.
Not that Mistress Lilith has always made things different and new each session more I am still far too shy and reserved to really let myself go during the session.

It is not just Mistress Lilith it is all the Mistresses I have been lucky enough to session with I think and worry about.
None of them I think and hope have not enjoyed the session.
There has been lots of laughter and chat during the sessiona.
But again there is this little voice that keeps whispering in my ear.

How do they really see me?
How do I come across?
Am I boring to session with?
Do they think oh no not him again?
If so how can I be a better sub and more fun?

I have never looked at a session as me calling the shots and demanding that everything is done to my specifications.
I have always wanted a session to be about me giving total control to a dominant woman and putting my trust in her and to take me wherever she thinks is best.
And the most important thing and I am brutally honest about this and mean this with all sincerity is that the Mistress I am with has fun and enjoys the session.
Thought I have no evidence to back this up I still would hate it and am concerned that this has not always been the case in previous sessions,

This is not new information or thoughts these have been with me since I took my first steps to becoming a submissive.

I am haunted by my own self doubts and if I am honest self loathing.

Not that many read this blog but I would be really interested to know what others think and if any fellow subs have similar doubts.I am on twitter at @Sissy_Sakur if you want to get in touch.

 

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Mistress Lilith Mindfulness,Meditation and the art of a Zen spanking session

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Mistress Lilith Mindfulness,Meditation and the art of a Zen spanking session

(contemplation on an introspective dreamlike afternoon full of endless wonder)

Need some background which I hope won’t bore my couple of regular readers.

Ive been ill for sometime and was back in Glasgow for a Doctors appointment which should have finished a full hour before my session with Mistress Lilith.
Due to a mix up with appointments I got seen 30 minutes later than I should have
I was then having to rush to get from one side of the city to the other in time for my session.

I arrived just in time to the wonderful studio Abstraktme but was out of breath and very stressed out.

Mistress Lilith sat me down and calmed me down.

I did not realise this at the time but she later told me I came into the studio in a state of shock and panic which quickly turned into a manic depressive episode.
I went from not saying anything and mumbling and looking down at my shoes to then talking 100 mph and speaking so fast little I said was making sense.
At the back of my mind there was some vital information I needed to tell Mistress Lilith but I was so frantic going from deep gloom to manic intensity I just could not recall what it was.

Mistress Lilith left the room and got me to dress up as my sissy alter ego Marmy.

When she came back in she ordered me to lie down on my back on the spanking bench.

I finally remembered what it was that was so important I got a bad injury and had been stamped on in the groin area during a football match.I was badly cut in the groin area but especially in at the inner thigh.
Mistress Lilith carefully looked at my wound and told me it looked a really bad one that was in danger of opening up again (It was a stud mark that was raked across my inner thigh about a 2 inch deep gash) so we were going to have a different session for me today.

Mistress Lilith ordered me to lie face down on the spanking bench.

She lifted up my skirt and pulled down my panties baring my bottom always a scary but thrilling experience knowing punishment is to come.

She told me I needed to just lie back and relax as she was going to punish me slowly but gently increase the severity. But what I needed most she said was to just talk to her and to listen to her talk to me.

This she told me was going to be a session like no other I have had.

What followed was remarkable almost beyond belief and the best session I have ever had and even now I feel glowing and an enormous sense of welling.

I was punished with a selection of floggers and straps. It was by far the least amount of pain and punishment I have had in over 5 years of sessions yes I had a couple of nice marks left on my bottom but it was way down on the severity scale that I am used to.

But it made sense. I felt the usual feelings of excitement and humiliation but at the same time it was like having a chat with your best friend with lots of laughs and interesting conversations.
I didn’t want it to ever end.

Cards on table I have struggled for years with mental illness with a couple of stays at mental hospitals when it got really bad. Had several years of therapy group and individual sessions with psychiatrists and psychologists CBT (Cognitive behaviour therapy not the CBT of BDSM community I should add ha ha) and in one under an hour session with Mistress Lilith I opened up and talked about myself more than I did in all the years of professional help.

This session was a cross between Meditation  and Mindfulness two disciplines I have been trying hard to incorporate into my real life
I mean I was so relaxed at one point despite being strapped on the bare with a heavy paddle Mistress Lilith told me she could see I was having goosebumps.
It was a real life ASMR reaction ( something else I have been using to help reduce my stress and depression)
That’s is how laid back and stress free I felt despite still getting a reasonably hard strapping

Mistress Lilith asked me what was wrong and I unloaded all the things that were worrying me.
She made me see the vast majority were nothing to worry about.
The ones that were left were things I could effect change on.
The very few I could not where things I had to make the most of and battle through.
She never judged me or spoke down to me she listened and gave me practical and very profound advice all which made perfect sense.

It wasn’t all one way Mistress Lilith without telling me too much of course spoke to me like a friend and told me a little of what was going on with her outside her professional life something though none of my business I was absolutely fascinated to hear about.

It really was an extraordinary session as I said the pain and punishment levels were way down on what I am used to but the sheer joy and happiness I felt were greater than I have ever experienced.

It was something I shall never forget and will cherish for ever than someone who I like and admire and have grown to love as a friend would be so honest and open with me and show such a genuine concern for me.
Nobody in my family or my few friends has shown such care and kindness towards me I have no idea why and I am pretty sure I don;t deserve it but I am so grateful that Mistress Lilith did this for me.
Mistress Lilith was honest and open with me.She gave me the right amount of good sound advice and was not afraid to tell me off and tell me I was talking a lot of rubbish.
She had the perfect bedside manner and due to her fun and infectious personality handled me with great care yet firm and no nonsense at the same time.
I’m never good in company even with people I have know all my life and close friends I feel uneasy a lot of the time I can’t help it for it is the chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me feel this way..
Not during this session.
Never have I felt more relaxed or comfortable with myself or in the company of someone else.
Hippy nonsense I know but I did feel at one with the Universe I had now worries or problems I felt a deep inner calm that I have never experienced before in my life at any time.It was a feeling I had never know and one I really want to feel again.

I came away from the session feeling a deep sense of love and for the first time in years more confidence in myself and my future.
Things are still very bad I have many problems but I am not the loser or as in a hopeless position as I thought I was and I can make things better especially with Mistress Lilith in my corner to help and advise and kick me up the backside when needed.
This was all due to Mistress Lilith seeing I was in a bad state of mind and not only helping but knowing exactly what to say and do to get the best out of me and make the session almost like a one on one therapy session with a trained mental health professional.

I don’t know how Mistress Lilith managed to see so quickly what was wrong with me and how she tailored on the spot the perfect remedy it really was such a skilful and amazing show of her skills as a Dominatrix and why she is the best in the business.

I am thankful that I am lucky enough to know her and to be able to session with her as her time is limited now and she can pick and choose whom she sees and I am so blessed to somehow be someone she will see.

My next session is just over a month away I am counting the days. There is a revamp to the studio and a new schoolroom will be in use.
Mistress Lilith told me she was going to spend the next month thinking up devious new punishments for me and I can’t wait to find out what they are.

Finally I appreciated what I had and who I was spending time with in the session the past was forgotten and the future was ignored as I spent the entire session enjoying the moment as it unfolded.

This video has helped me and finally thanks to Mistress Lilith talking to me and making me understand things better in the session I lived up to the words and ideas from it

It is always better to live in the present moment I fully agree but  however it is so much fun once in a while to look forward to the future to especially when you are going to spend some time with one of the most remarkable and wonderful people in the universe I feel is acceptable..

I am going to try and make up for lost time and savour and enjoy every single moment I spend in a session with Mistress Lilith.
She has made me a better person and it is time I lived up to the kindness and effort she has put into sorting me out.
In a session and outside a session I am going to resolve to be a better person and it is Mistress Lilith that has made me make this change in my mindset.

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I am nothing and nobody

I am nothing and nobody

My football career is over.

My secret life as a submissive hangs in the balance.

Not sure what the future holds regarding having sessions but I now feel for a number of reasons it is out of my hands and if I were a betting man I would say the chances of a session this year are 50-50 at best and this time next year I think my wonderful Mistress will no longer be available for sessions.

Football is honestly (self praise is honour an all that Biblical crap) the only thing in life I am any good at.
My body can no longer cope with the demands nor am I able to play to the standard I demand of myself.
Losing this has made me cry already when I came off the pitch on Saturday.
It makes me want to cry now when I think about it.
All I am now is a short,fat and unattractive non entity.

The Mistress who I love and admire is in semi retirement but from what I gather maybe moving much farther afield which means not only the end of the sessions but I will never ever see her again.I of course only want what is best for her and for her to be happy but it is a hammer blow to me at the same time I am not going to lie.

This double loss of the two real joys in my life is hard to take.
I get it I know walking down the street compared to most people I walk past I don’t have as many worries and mine pale into insignificance to some of the true heartbreak and suffering some poor souls have to endure.

But still my life is not a particular happy one it is full of stress and very lonely.

Right now I am in a back breaking dead end job and staying is a horrible area surrounded by anti social neighbours  I have been mugged twice since I moved here and spat on as well by a local scumbag it is a struggle each day to get by and I am running out of fight and hope.

And truth of the matter is a lot of family and friends know this and none of them care enough to drop me an email/text/whatsapp or visit or even a phone call.

That is why I am nothing and nobody.

The unbearable lightness of being me

2018 was like everyone else I suppose was to be a new start.

So far it has not went well.

I have a major decision about my health to make and time is running out to do it.
Do I get a life threatening operation which has a good chance of not working or do I go onto even more heavy duty medication and try and brave it out and live with the horrendous side effects as I am doing now.

At work I am under terrific stress every day I work at a truly soul destroying and back breaking job.The money is good but I have to work long hours in poor conditions with a lot of very racist and bigoted people I would cross the street to avoid if I seen them in town
I have tried to get another job but even getting an interview is difficult so for the foreseeable future I am stuck with this one

This is also affecting my mental health. I am pretty much alone here my partner with her work more or less does a night shift and I am on a long 7am-6pm most days day shift so we hardly see each other. Im basically tired and ready to go to bed while she is full of beans and upbeat.She works from home and keeps me awake all night while she is working so I get very little sleep which does not help.
What I am supposed to do I cant work a day shift and stay awake keeping someone company who is doing a nightshift

A lot of my work is spent alone in yard doing manual labour I can more or less go the whole work day without really having any sort of conversation with anyone.
I am incredibly lonely.
At my last visit to the doctors he sent me for a consultation with a psychiatric nurse. I have had serious mental health issues in the past bad enough to be hospitalised on a number of occasions.
She suggested I join a local befriending scheme which would get me out with other people in a similar position.
I dont want to do this for a number of reasons
Mainly I am very shy and the thought of this frightens me a lot
I am also constantly tired from work I am not a psychically strong man and the work I do takes so much out of me by the end of the day I have little energy left.
I dont seem to get on well people in real life or the cyber one
I am the common denominator this is 100% on me I have nobody else to blame I cant even make friends online even when I try the real me comes out I do or say something stupid or pathetic and they end up getting fed up  with me.
You know what I dont blame them one bit.
One of my many character flaws I am afraid I wish I knew how to change

Right now there is nothing I like about myself.
I have put on weight since my illness has stopped me playing football
I look a short fat ugly mess much older than my age
I am not vain and have never considered myself attractive basically one person in my entire life has told me I am attractive and she was an angel so it doesnt count.
So I can live with being seen as ugly and unattractive.
But that is not all that is wrong
My haircut and general appearance is shabby I look a state not just in my mind to everyone
I cant look in a mirror to shave or wash properly all I see is the terrible squint in my eye

The last session I kept covering it with my wig and it made me feel better.All the Mistresses I was with kept sweeping it away sometimes brushing it into a style and saying I was to not hide behind the wig.
I didnt have the courage to tell them I need to hide behind it,not to look convincing when dressed up because I know I dont (and I dont actually care) but to feel at least a little bit confident that my horrible deformed eye is not all they see staring at them.
It was the first session I have had where I felt really bad about myself.
What was being said to me as part of a head girl/school bully normally I think I could have handled but I took every word to heart.
Basically because I believe them to be true

I got a message from Mistress Lilith telling me she wanted me more positive and not to let things get to me like this horrible twitter stalker who continues to sporadically plagues me.
She is holding me to the promise that I will be more upbeat and open in the sessions and bring no gloom or stress to the studio.
Well 7th January I have already blew that one up
Letting down the most wonderful person I will ever meet someone who fills my heart with joy and my life with excitement just makes me hate myself even more.

I dont know what to do

My football is done whether I get this operation or not my body is just done at least 10 years past its sell by date.
The sessions have give me as much if not more joy than the football has ever done but I dont know anymore if I should continue.
It is the best thing that has ever happened to me better than I dared dream but I dont think I am any use anymore.

See this is the thing.The beauty of the internet is you can be anyone you want make any claims of being an Astronaut or F1 driver. You can even be the opposite sex if you want. Anybody can reinvent them self make them self a better version a more interesting likeable fun version a fantasy of who they would like to be.
But not me.
When I go on it what you get is exactly what I am.
There is not one difference from what you read about me or what I claim to what my real life is
I am the very perfect version of blah and ordinary with no self esteem at all.
A messed up,unconfident,confused,scared depressing and incredibly boring man.

I dont think I belong in this world either the vanilla or fantasy one I dont fit in in either and am pretty much unliked and lonely in both.
Eventually everybody will find me out there is only so much of my negative personality anyone can take/
Again I dont blame them people have problems of their own and going online especially in the BDSM community is a way of escaping so why read self pitying depressive diatribe like this.

So thats basically it.If anyone has had the misfortune to read this I apologise.
On the bright side I dont think I will be posting much longer so there is that to look forward to

 

 

 

 

Hopes for 2018

1

To be a better sub.I still consider myself a novice with so much to learn I have hardly scratched the surface as Socrates said ‘ἓν οἶδα ὅτι οὐδὲν οἶδα hèn oîda hóti oudèn oîda ‘  i.e ‘the only thing I know is I know nothing’.
What I do know is I want the Mistress who I session with be it Mistress Lilith who I have been fortunate to session with many times or a Mistress I session with for the first time to have as much fun as I do.This has always been important to me.I want to be thought of as a sub that a Mistress looks forward to coming for a session and not one that is a chore or boring to be with.
It has never been about me,I feel so much better after a session if during it I have made Mistress laugh and I know that she had a good time.
I always feel let down if this is not the case.
One of the things I can do is improve on my role play skills as I let my shyness get in the way of really letting myself go and getting into character.I feel all the Mistresses I have been with excel at this and I let them down with my efforts.

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To try and push my limits as to the amount of punishment that I take in a session. To let Mistress push me further each session. Also to achieve what are the two things I have always wanted but never got in a session up till now. A proper belt spanking with a thick heavy belt.Mistress Lilith has ordered me to bring one with me to the next session
And also what I think is maybe impossible to be spanked over the knee till I am in tears.
I have been close a couple of times but never quite made it.
I saw a video where 7 dommes took turns giving a sub an otk spanking and he was in tears at the end this has always been a fantasy of mine.

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I have had plenty of butt plugs inserted in sessions.Perhaps it is time if Mistress decrees of course she is in charge and decides everything, to try being taken by behind with the strap on.(this scares me a lot)

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To get the proper outfit for my session. I have never quite gotten it right there is always something wrong. I need to feel and look good to get into the mindset of my sissy persona and I dont think I have done it yet.
I must buy a proper fitting blouse and stocking or tights that fit correctly.
I also think I want to try something different from the sissy schoolgirl look.
Perhaps the secretary look is something that I could look better as and be a change for me and for Mistress.
I already have picked out a pencil skirt from Matalan to bring to the next session.

 

5

To try not be such a pain to the friends I have made on twitter and stop annoying them with my neurotic nonsense. Try and be more an interesting person to bounce ideas off about our sessions than a nuisance always giving them all my problems.

 

2017 year in review. The instruments of darkness tell us truths(apologies to the bard)

Where to start?

A year dominated by my health not as I would want dominated by a Mistress.

I will try and concentrate on the positives as out of the studio life has not been easy for me this year.
But I will have to be honest with myself and end on a sad note.
I have many faults and do not try and hide them but I do pride myself on being honest and truthful.

In between hospital stays and operations I only managed 5 sessions.
Mistress Lilith and Mistress Argenta took part in 5 and 3 of the sessions respectively.

Mistress Lilith as always is a joy to be with.She is everything you could ever dream about  in a Mistress. Every session with her fills me with a sense of endless wonder.
I am no poet I wish I was as mere words and my limited education mean I can not do justice to how I feel about her and what she does to the well being of my life.

The best I can say is when I am in Mistress Liliths company during or after a session I am a better person.
Her positivity truly enriches my battered soul. I feel confident and happy and could take on the world when I am with her.
She makes my life worth living.
The more I session with her the more I appreciate just how good she is at being a Mistress.I am never sure what will happen and every session feels like a new and exciting experience for me

General relativity tells us that spacetime is curved
In Abstraktme studio when I am with Mistress Lilith time is indeed different.It both slows and seems to fly in.I am transformed into an almost parallel counterpoint where I am different and the world is brighter more vivid more exciting just all round better.

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I know being a Mistress is not easy it takes years of experience to just know how to treat a sub and how to push and probe and get into a subs head and get the best out of them
Mistress Lilith makes it look effortless and I think makes me be the best sub I can possibly be.
I realise and appreciate how lucky I am to be able to session with her I just hope it continues for as long as possible.
Every hour I spend with her are amongst the happiest times of my life.
Outwith the session is just as much a pleasure for me and having a chat with Mistress Lilith is a highlight of the day.
Mistress Lilith has given me some great advice and been so very helpful when I have needed it most I can’t thank her enough for this.
At the sessions end Mistress Lilith also said some kind things about me which I was really touched to hear and I nearly burst out crying that someone so remarkable would say these lovely things to me.
I don’t know why she puts up with me apart from her having the patience of a Saint but I am so very very glad that she does.

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Mistress Argenta is someone who I admire a lot and someone who I really care a lot about as well.
From the first time I met her in a triple domme session 4 years ago I have felt safe and comfortable in her company.Now don’t get me wrong this does not mean a session with her is in anyway tame quite the contrary I believe some of the harshest punishments I have ever had have come at her hands.
Mistress Argenta has always treated me with respect and made me really feel special during a session.
Even though I have been blessed to session with her many times I find that my heart still skips a little beat when she walks into the room.
She is someone who I trust implicitly and seems to get the very best out of me in a session by pushing my limits with great subtly and class.
She gets my attention and obedience by sheer force of personality never needing to raise her voice or swear.
Mistress Argenta commands and deserves my respect and I don’t think I have ever met anyone in this or the real world that I have taken such an instant liking to.
It really is a incredible experience being in her company and I love her to bits.
Outwith the sessions she has been good enough to ask after me  and showed me great kindness and care which I am truly thankful for as right now I need all the support I can get.
Mistress Argenta has a genuine concern and care for me I don’t know what I have done to deserve this but I am grateful for it.
I can’t thank her enough as right now I feel very much alone.

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There were two other Mistresses I very much enjoyed meeting this year.

Paige Delight made a surprise appearance during a session.
Gosh she is so pretty and she was really great fun to session with.
Right away she put me at ease and made me feel comfortable but at the same time keeping me guessing at what punishment would come next.
Hearing her describe how much she enjoyed using the cane and how she was going to thrash me with it was one of the highlights of the year.
She also said one of the nicest things to me during the session.
I was kicking my legs while getting a very hard strapping over the bench and Miss Paige started laughing a genuine laugh of joy.
She said ‘I just love the way you kick your legs when it hurts it really is funny and I love to see it you are fun to punish Marmy’
It really made me happy to hear that in fact I had a tear in my eye that I made someone as special as her happy.
I enjoyed meeting her very much indeed and hope to do so again in the future.

I also met Mistress Vee.
Mistress Vee was very nice to me.She made he feel welcome in the session and kept me on my toes as well with her quick wit and very fun personality.
She also is a ferocious handspanker. While over the spanking bench she would alternate between hand spanks and using the horrible big wooden hairbrush which is no secret the implement I fear the most.
I honestly could not tell at time whether it was the hairbrush or her hand she spanks that hard that really impresses me a lot.
When she put me over her knee I knew I was in trouble and she didn’t disappoint it was very sore indeed.
I hope she had fun with me I think she did as she replied with a very kind message to me on twitter which was a thrill to get.

All in all I tried to make the best of the sessions this year.
I was never really 100% fit both physically and sadly mentally but I truly and honestly gave it my all to make the sessions as fun for the Mistress I was with as I could.
I always do this and anyone who knows me either through twitter or the handful of people that read this blog know how vitally important it is for me that any Mistress I am with enjoys the session.
I don’t expect them to like me I know I am not a particularly likeable person hard as I try I know I fall short due to extreme shyness mainly and lack of personality but I do make the effort so very much.But I do hope that any Mistress in a session with me enjoys it and that I make it as fun for them as possible.
It does not always work as I felt recently in a session and it makes me feel really bad about myself and how I am perceived. I worry so much and feel self loathing and the darkest thoughts at times like these.
Actually make me question my future as a sub and whether to carry on
It makes me worry that I am going to drag down people who ,even though I am a client and no more,I consider friends and I genuinely have love for.
I could never forgive myself for that.

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I had planned to request a session on my birthday just before the end of the year this has always been a dream of mine to have a fun session on my birthday which is a day everyone forgets due to it being so close to Christmas.
The thought of being punished on my birthday makes me very excited and happy and would be an extra special treat to myself and hopefully one of the best sessions ever.
I am really tempted but on reflection I think it is best that I do not and I take a step back consider my future and wait till the end of January before deciding my next move.

Anyway anyone who actually read all this twaddle thank you and I send you best wishes for the festive and new year period I hope you are happy and healthy in the coming year.

 

 

The Secret life of Marmy Sissy

 

“Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.”
― André Malraux

Apologies for the pun of a title.

I still consider myself very much a novice is all things BDSM.

I am trying to learn and with Mistress Lilith and Argenta I do think I know a bit more when I first started.
But still I feel very much as if I have lots to learn.
During the sessions I can be quite quiet at times and lack sometimes confidence.

I feel I do not have the knowledge or am brave enough to suggest anything for the session.

Do not get me wrong the sessions are wonderful and are amongst the happiest times of my life but I have the nagging feeling that I should be contributing more to make it memorable for Mistress.

Part of this I feel is due to the fact that I have basically to keep this side of my life a secret.
For reasons I do not want to go into nobody knows about this.
I am not ashamed far from it but I have to keep this part of me under wraps.
In fact the opposite is true I want to shout from the rooftops about how I am enveloped in joy and sheer euphoria everytime I go for a session.
They make me as happy as I have ever been in my life.
But I can tell nobody of this life enriching experience.
I am really lucky despite my painful shyness even online I have managed to make some good friends on twitter ( I won’t embarrass them by naming them but you know who you are and thank you) and to have someone to talk to is a tremendous help.
I take great comfort and solace from the kind words of advice and help they give me especially when I turn into my usual neurotic self between sessions.

Having a secret like this is exciting at times but I must admit at other times to being incredibly isolated and lonely.
In an ideal world I would be out in the open but as we all know it is not an idea world we live in.

I noticed this recently when I was in hospital for a few weeks.I had no internet connection on the tablet I took in and my phone was broken.
My best friend posted a message on my facebook page after he visited me letting everyone know what my status was and how I was unable to reply to emails or texts.
Now I was desperate to let Mistress Lilith and Argenta and Paige Delight know how I was and not to worry but there was no way I could ask him to email them for me.
I also can’t add or like their facebook pages so there was no way they could see a post on my page that way either.

This is one of the many reasons keeping my life a secret can be worrisome.

But that is the way it has to be and I will apologies to all those that I worried when I next see them.