The unbearable lightness of being me

2018 was like everyone else I suppose was to be a new start.

So far it has not went well.

I have a major decision about my health to make and time is running out to do it.
Do I get a life threatening operation which has a good chance of not working or do I go onto even more heavy duty medication and try and brave it out and live with the horrendous side effects as I am doing now.

At work I am under terrific stress every day I work at a truly soul destroying and back breaking job.The money is good but I have to work long hours in poor conditions with a lot of very racist and bigoted people I would cross the street to avoid if I seen them in town
I have tried to get another job but even getting an interview is difficult so for the foreseeable future I am stuck with this one

This is also affecting my mental health. I am pretty much alone here my partner with her work more or less does a night shift and I am on a long 7am-6pm most days day shift so we hardly see each other. Im basically tired and ready to go to bed while she is full of beans and upbeat.She works from home and keeps me awake all night while she is working so I get very little sleep which does not help.
What I am supposed to do I cant work a day shift and stay awake keeping someone company who is doing a nightshift

A lot of my work is spent alone in yard doing manual labour I can more or less go the whole work day without really having any sort of conversation with anyone.
I am incredibly lonely.
At my last visit to the doctors he sent me for a consultation with a psychiatric nurse. I have had serious mental health issues in the past bad enough to be hospitalised on a number of occasions.
She suggested I join a local befriending scheme which would get me out with other people in a similar position.
I dont want to do this for a number of reasons
Mainly I am very shy and the thought of this frightens me a lot
I am also constantly tired from work I am not a psychically strong man and the work I do takes so much out of me by the end of the day I have little energy left.
I dont seem to get on well people in real life or the cyber one
I am the common denominator this is 100% on me I have nobody else to blame I cant even make friends online even when I try the real me comes out I do or say something stupid or pathetic and they end up getting fed up  with me.
You know what I dont blame them one bit.
One of my many character flaws I am afraid I wish I knew how to change

Right now there is nothing I like about myself.
I have put on weight since my illness has stopped me playing football
I look a short fat ugly mess much older than my age
I am not vain and have never considered myself attractive basically one person in my entire life has told me I am attractive and she was an angel so it doesnt count.
So I can live with being seen as ugly and unattractive.
But that is not all that is wrong
My haircut and general appearance is shabby I look a state not just in my mind to everyone
I cant look in a mirror to shave or wash properly all I see is the terrible squint in my eye

The last session I kept covering it with my wig and it made me feel better.All the Mistresses I was with kept sweeping it away sometimes brushing it into a style and saying I was to not hide behind the wig.
I didnt have the courage to tell them I need to hide behind it,not to look convincing when dressed up because I know I dont (and I dont actually care) but to feel at least a little bit confident that my horrible deformed eye is not all they see staring at them.
It was the first session I have had where I felt really bad about myself.
What was being said to me as part of a head girl/school bully normally I think I could have handled but I took every word to heart.
Basically because I believe them to be true

I got a message from Mistress Lilith telling me she wanted me more positive and not to let things get to me like this horrible twitter stalker who continues to sporadically plagues me.
She is holding me to the promise that I will be more upbeat and open in the sessions and bring no gloom or stress to the studio.
Well 7th January I have already blew that one up
Letting down the most wonderful person I will ever meet someone who fills my heart with joy and my life with excitement just makes me hate myself even more.

I dont know what to do

My football is done whether I get this operation or not my body is just done at least 10 years past its sell by date.
The sessions have give me as much if not more joy than the football has ever done but I dont know anymore if I should continue.
It is the best thing that has ever happened to me better than I dared dream but I dont think I am any use anymore.

See this is the thing.The beauty of the internet is you can be anyone you want make any claims of being an Astronaut or F1 driver. You can even be the opposite sex if you want. Anybody can reinvent them self make them self a better version a more interesting likeable fun version a fantasy of who they would like to be.
But not me.
When I go on it what you get is exactly what I am.
There is not one difference from what you read about me or what I claim to what my real life is
I am the very perfect version of blah and ordinary with no self esteem at all.
A messed up,unconfident,confused,scared depressing and incredibly boring man.

I dont think I belong in this world either the vanilla or fantasy one I dont fit in in either and am pretty much unliked and lonely in both.
Eventually everybody will find me out there is only so much of my negative personality anyone can take/
Again I dont blame them people have problems of their own and going online especially in the BDSM community is a way of escaping so why read self pitying depressive diatribe like this.

So thats basically it.If anyone has had the misfortune to read this I apologise.
On the bright side I dont think I will be posting much longer so there is that to look forward to






Hopes for 2018


To be a better sub.I still consider myself a novice with so much to learn I have hardly scratched the surface as Socrates said ‘ἓν οἶδα ὅτι οὐδὲν οἶδα hèn oîda hóti oudèn oîda ‘  i.e ‘the only thing I know is I know nothing’.
What I do know is I want the Mistress who I session with be it Mistress Lilith who I have been fortunate to session with many times or a Mistress I session with for the first time to have as much fun as I do.This has always been important to me.I want to be thought of as a sub that a Mistress looks forward to coming for a session and not one that is a chore or boring to be with.
It has never been about me,I feel so much better after a session if during it I have made Mistress laugh and I know that she had a good time.
I always feel let down if this is not the case.
One of the things I can do is improve on my role play skills as I let my shyness get in the way of really letting myself go and getting into character.I feel all the Mistresses I have been with excel at this and I let them down with my efforts.


To try and push my limits as to the amount of punishment that I take in a session. To let Mistress push me further each session. Also to achieve what are the two things I have always wanted but never got in a session up till now. A proper belt spanking with a thick heavy belt.Mistress Lilith has ordered me to bring one with me to the next session
And also what I think is maybe impossible to be spanked over the knee till I am in tears.
I have been close a couple of times but never quite made it.
I saw a video where 7 dommes took turns giving a sub an otk spanking and he was in tears at the end this has always been a fantasy of mine.


I have had plenty of butt plugs inserted in sessions.Perhaps it is time if Mistress decrees of course she is in charge and decides everything, to try being taken by behind with the strap on.(this scares me a lot)


To get the proper outfit for my session. I have never quite gotten it right there is always something wrong. I need to feel and look good to get into the mindset of my sissy persona and I dont think I have done it yet.
I must buy a proper fitting blouse and stocking or tights that fit correctly.
I also think I want to try something different from the sissy schoolgirl look.
Perhaps the secretary look is something that I could look better as and be a change for me and for Mistress.
I already have picked out a pencil skirt from Matalan to bring to the next session.



To try not be such a pain to the friends I have made on twitter and stop annoying them with my neurotic nonsense. Try and be more an interesting person to bounce ideas off about our sessions than a nuisance always giving them all my problems.


2017 year in review. The instruments of darkness tell us truths(apologies to the bard)

Where to start?

A year dominated by my health not as I would want dominated by a Mistress.

I will try and concentrate on the positives as out of the studio life has not been easy for me this year.
But I will have to be honest with myself and end on a sad note.
I have many faults and do not try and hide them but I do pride myself on being honest and truthful.

In between hospital stays and operations I only managed 5 sessions.
Mistress Lilith and Mistress Argenta took part in 5 and 3 of the sessions respectively.

Mistress Lilith as always is a joy to be with.She is everything you could ever dream about  in a Mistress. Every session with her fills me with a sense of endless wonder.
I am no poet I wish I was as mere words and my limited education mean I can not do justice to how I feel about her and what she does to the well being of my life.

The best I can say is when I am in Mistress Liliths company during or after a session I am a better person.
Her positivity truly enriches my battered soul. I feel confident and happy and could take on the world when I am with her.
She makes my life worth living.
The more I session with her the more I appreciate just how good she is at being a Mistress.I am never sure what will happen and every session feels like a new and exciting experience for me

General relativity tells us that spacetime is curved
In Abstraktme studio when I am with Mistress Lilith time is indeed different.It both slows and seems to fly in.I am transformed into an almost parallel counterpoint where I am different and the world is brighter more vivid more exciting just all round better.


I know being a Mistress is not easy it takes years of experience to just know how to treat a sub and how to push and probe and get into a subs head and get the best out of them
Mistress Lilith makes it look effortless and I think makes me be the best sub I can possibly be.
I realise and appreciate how lucky I am to be able to session with her I just hope it continues for as long as possible.
Every hour I spend with her are amongst the happiest times of my life.
Outwith the session is just as much a pleasure for me and having a chat with Mistress Lilith is a highlight of the day.
Mistress Lilith has given me some great advice and been so very helpful when I have needed it most I can’t thank her enough for this.
At the sessions end Mistress Lilith also said some kind things about me which I was really touched to hear and I nearly burst out crying that someone so remarkable would say these lovely things to me.
I don’t know why she puts up with me apart from her having the patience of a Saint but I am so very very glad that she does.


Mistress Argenta is someone who I admire a lot and someone who I really care a lot about as well.
From the first time I met her in a triple domme session 4 years ago I have felt safe and comfortable in her company.Now don’t get me wrong this does not mean a session with her is in anyway tame quite the contrary I believe some of the harshest punishments I have ever had have come at her hands.
Mistress Argenta has always treated me with respect and made me really feel special during a session.
Even though I have been blessed to session with her many times I find that my heart still skips a little beat when she walks into the room.
She is someone who I trust implicitly and seems to get the very best out of me in a session by pushing my limits with great subtly and class.
She gets my attention and obedience by sheer force of personality never needing to raise her voice or swear.
Mistress Argenta commands and deserves my respect and I don’t think I have ever met anyone in this or the real world that I have taken such an instant liking to.
It really is a incredible experience being in her company and I love her to bits.
Outwith the sessions she has been good enough to ask after me  and showed me great kindness and care which I am truly thankful for as right now I need all the support I can get.
Mistress Argenta has a genuine concern and care for me I don’t know what I have done to deserve this but I am grateful for it.
I can’t thank her enough as right now I feel very much alone.


There were two other Mistresses I very much enjoyed meeting this year.

Paige Delight made a surprise appearance during a session.
Gosh she is so pretty and she was really great fun to session with.
Right away she put me at ease and made me feel comfortable but at the same time keeping me guessing at what punishment would come next.
Hearing her describe how much she enjoyed using the cane and how she was going to thrash me with it was one of the highlights of the year.
She also said one of the nicest things to me during the session.
I was kicking my legs while getting a very hard strapping over the bench and Miss Paige started laughing a genuine laugh of joy.
She said ‘I just love the way you kick your legs when it hurts it really is funny and I love to see it you are fun to punish Marmy’
It really made me happy to hear that in fact I had a tear in my eye that I made someone as special as her happy.
I enjoyed meeting her very much indeed and hope to do so again in the future.

I also met Mistress Vee.
Mistress Vee was very nice to me.She made he feel welcome in the session and kept me on my toes as well with her quick wit and very fun personality.
She also is a ferocious handspanker. While over the spanking bench she would alternate between hand spanks and using the horrible big wooden hairbrush which is no secret the implement I fear the most.
I honestly could not tell at time whether it was the hairbrush or her hand she spanks that hard that really impresses me a lot.
When she put me over her knee I knew I was in trouble and she didn’t disappoint it was very sore indeed.
I hope she had fun with me I think she did as she replied with a very kind message to me on twitter which was a thrill to get.

All in all I tried to make the best of the sessions this year.
I was never really 100% fit both physically and sadly mentally but I truly and honestly gave it my all to make the sessions as fun for the Mistress I was with as I could.
I always do this and anyone who knows me either through twitter or the handful of people that read this blog know how vitally important it is for me that any Mistress I am with enjoys the session.
I don’t expect them to like me I know I am not a particularly likeable person hard as I try I know I fall short due to extreme shyness mainly and lack of personality but I do make the effort so very much.But I do hope that any Mistress in a session with me enjoys it and that I make it as fun for them as possible.
It does not always work as I felt recently in a session and it makes me feel really bad about myself and how I am perceived. I worry so much and feel self loathing and the darkest thoughts at times like these.
Actually make me question my future as a sub and whether to carry on
It makes me worry that I am going to drag down people who ,even though I am a client and no more,I consider friends and I genuinely have love for.
I could never forgive myself for that.


I had planned to request a session on my birthday just before the end of the year this has always been a dream of mine to have a fun session on my birthday which is a day everyone forgets due to it being so close to Christmas.
The thought of being punished on my birthday makes me very excited and happy and would be an extra special treat to myself and hopefully one of the best sessions ever.
I am really tempted but on reflection I think it is best that I do not and I take a step back consider my future and wait till the end of January before deciding my next move.

Anyway anyone who actually read all this twaddle thank you and I send you best wishes for the festive and new year period I hope you are happy and healthy in the coming year.



The Secret life of Marmy Sissy


“Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.”
― André Malraux

Apologies for the pun of a title.

I still consider myself very much a novice is all things BDSM.

I am trying to learn and with Mistress Lilith and Argenta I do think I know a bit more when I first started.
But still I feel very much as if I have lots to learn.
During the sessions I can be quite quiet at times and lack sometimes confidence.

I feel I do not have the knowledge or am brave enough to suggest anything for the session.

Do not get me wrong the sessions are wonderful and are amongst the happiest times of my life but I have the nagging feeling that I should be contributing more to make it memorable for Mistress.

Part of this I feel is due to the fact that I have basically to keep this side of my life a secret.
For reasons I do not want to go into nobody knows about this.
I am not ashamed far from it but I have to keep this part of me under wraps.
In fact the opposite is true I want to shout from the rooftops about how I am enveloped in joy and sheer euphoria everytime I go for a session.
They make me as happy as I have ever been in my life.
But I can tell nobody of this life enriching experience.
I am really lucky despite my painful shyness even online I have managed to make some good friends on twitter ( I won’t embarrass them by naming them but you know who you are and thank you) and to have someone to talk to is a tremendous help.
I take great comfort and solace from the kind words of advice and help they give me especially when I turn into my usual neurotic self between sessions.

Having a secret like this is exciting at times but I must admit at other times to being incredibly isolated and lonely.
In an ideal world I would be out in the open but as we all know it is not an idea world we live in.

I noticed this recently when I was in hospital for a few weeks.I had no internet connection on the tablet I took in and my phone was broken.
My best friend posted a message on my facebook page after he visited me letting everyone know what my status was and how I was unable to reply to emails or texts.
Now I was desperate to let Mistress Lilith and Argenta and Paige Delight know how I was and not to worry but there was no way I could ask him to email them for me.
I also can’t add or like their facebook pages so there was no way they could see a post on my page that way either.

This is one of the many reasons keeping my life a secret can be worrisome.

But that is the way it has to be and I will apologies to all those that I worried when I next see them.

Dressing up and the horrors of the real world

I always wonder why I cross dress for my spanking sessions especially as I also know that I look ridiculous.

There is no way I am trying to be convincing when I dress as a schoolgirl or secretary.

It is more I like the feeling of being punished while wearing  short tight skirt and heels and when I look at myself in the mirror silly and laughable as it sounds I actually like how I look.

I can’t see most of my face for my wig and I have a waist created by the wide belt I always try to wear when dressed up and my legs in thick tights look nice and slim.

In the real world I hate how I look so much I never look in a mirror even when shaving and getting washed in the morning.I also don’t let anyone take my picture.
I feel really unattractive and hate how I look.

So that is why I like dressing up I think and I don’t mind seeing myself in pictures or in the full length mirror during the session it session it does not look like me I can pretend I am someone else someone who is not as hideously unattractive as I am

This was highlighted today and I got a glimpse of how other people see me.

I was returning from work on the bus

In the seat in front a girl in her mid twenties was doing her hair and makeup using her phones mirror function
I always feel uneasy when people do this so I tried hard not to look up or in front of me me to give her privacy.
Next time I glanced up she was taking selfies and posting them on facebook.
One of then she captioned TIRED AFTER WORK

Again I looked away as I felt I was impinging her privacy.

Next time I looked up she had taken another selfie.
I was in the background of it looking out the window.

She had circled me and captioned it ‘UGLY CROSSEYED BASTARD’

So that is exactly how others see me

That is why ridiculous and comical as I am sure I look when dressed up for a session I prefer to be like that than in my normal everyday clothes in the real world,
I can pretend even for an hour that I am attractive and look good.








When the door closes after a spanking session then what?

When I am walking down the stairs after a spanking session I am as happy as I have ever been in my life.
I truly am walking on air my heart is racing and my mind is just as frantic.
Going out into the noisy busy road outside the studio everything seems brighter and yet still somehow a blur almost like the the feeling you get when you are at the swimming baths and swim to the bottom of the deep end all the noise and lights fade into a murmur.
My mind races and throws off memories like sparks from a Catherine wheel
Did Mistress Lilith really spank me with the big wooden hairbrush till I cried?
Did Mistress Argenta tawse my hands so hard they are already bruised and then with a smile persuade me to take even more?
Did I just meet Miss Paige Delight for the first time? And did she with the minimum of fuss insert a butt plug in me then cane me severely?
The answer is of course yes and these wonderful,beautiful,strict and fun ladies make me glad to be alive*
These feelings of absolute joy and ecstasy last a long time with me.I am not talking about the same day as a session I am talking for about a week afterwards I still feel as if I am walking on air.
All through the next few days at work my mind goes back the the session and I replay in in my head. I daydream constantly and try and imagine I am back there.
I go through the session and think about what happened and how I can be better the next time.

* I would also urge  you strongly to  follow the twitter feeds of 
Mistress Lilith twitter

Mistress Argent twitter

Miss Paige Delight twitter


But time goes on.Real life takes over.responsibilities and pressure of work and home soon take over.
The memories of the sessions start to fade as much as I try to save them the just face away bit by bit.
There is nothing I can do about this no matter how hard I try I have to accept that the sessions have to end and I have to get on with my boring real life.
I try to get as many sessions as possible,I am by no means wealthy but money is not really a problem I can have a session every month if I want the problem is the studio is so busy getting one booked is difficult and getting back from work and other commitments is not easy.
So at the best of times getting a regular session is something I have to cope with.

In between sessions is hard. I like the submission and punishment I get so much it makes me feel so happy so free of responsibility. I do not have a care in the world when I am under the control and at the mercy of a Mistress
Without going over the top it makes me glad to be alive.

When waiting for a session it is difficult for me.My life is by no means hard but it is full of stress and pressure.
I have so many responsibilities and so many people I have to look after and it really is lonely and stressful for me.
Keeping my feelings of wanting to submit and dominate is actually difficult.
I have no outlet at all no way to express myself I have to be boring and vanilla.

I have made some good friends on twitter * and they are a positive boon to me.To have fellow subs to talk to really is something to cherish as nobody in my real life knows about this side to me.
Of course me being me I am sure they often think me a pain when I turn into my neurotic self
But without them I would struggle much more than I do now.

* You know who you are I do not want to disrespect your anonymity so I will not mention your twitter names but thank you.

So how can I cope between sessions? Especially now when I am going to be out of commission for several months as I have some medical problems that require operations and lengthy hospital stays
It could be Christmas or even later before I will make it back

The answer is I do not know
I am really worried more than I have ever been since I started visiting a Mistress.
My main concern is I will be forgotten by all the Mistresses I session with.
They are all really popular have many subs who they see regularly and I am hard enough to remember I am pretty sure I am not a sub who makes a good impression or is one who will be talked about.

I used to have some out of session tasks that Mistress Lilith would give me.
Normally a set amount of punishment lines which I would have to write out and then post on twitter for everyone to see.
I loved this so much it made me feel close to Mistress and also it made me feel as if I was still under her control. It kept me going between sessions.
The great pleasure I felt sitting in my lunch hour writing out lines is one I cherish and I miss doing this as Mistress Lilith no longer offers this service.

So now I struggle and without sounding melodramatic it actually is starting to get me down.
I know I cant be a full time submissive. I understand that unless I have a lottery win I have to have a real boring life with sessions scattered now and then to brighten things up.
But the longer between sessions the harder it is to cope.
I find now a overwhelming sadness is starting to take over and it is getting worse and worse and really has me in a bad way and I am starting to lose hope.
There is a feeling of loss that shadows all that I do.
Having these submissive feelings for so many years and stupidly and cowardly taking so long to do anything about it is something I will never forgive myself for.
Now that I have let loose these feeling and accepted that this is who I am and this is a huge part of who I feel I am naturally supposed to be to have it almost taken away from me and be denied is something that makes me so desperately unhappy
Nothing really helps ease the melancholy I dont want to be a pest on twitter or email to the Mistresses I know the last thing I want is for them to think unkindly or consider me needy and a pain that would destroy me if I knew they thought that way about me.
I something think I should just bite the bullet and leave all together.

The door closes on a session and the wait for it to open again seems longer and longer.




The sadness of being abused online

It is sad I have to waste time and effort on this but feel recent events leave me no choice.

I promise the following is the truth and I have written it exactly as it happened even putting in facts that embarrass and make me look bad.

Since I started in this journey into submission and visiting a Mistress the people I have met in real life and online have been nothing but lovely,kind.friendly and supportive.

All with one exception.

About two years ago I gained a new twitter follower. He seemed both interested and confused about how he would take his interest in visiting a Mistress for the first time and asked me both publicly and via Direct message for advice.

Knowing that there are a number of time wasters out there plus others whoa sole objective seems to be mining addresses of both Mistresses and their studios/dungeon I was very guarded in what information I gave out.

I advised him how to contact a Mistress and how to ask in the proper manner to arrange for a session. I sent him a link to my blog post entitled ‘Everything you wanted to know about visiting a Mistress (but where too scared to ask) ‘ as it contained all the information I wished I had before I first tried to book a session.

I received a number of further messages asking me about specific Mistresses who I had sessioned with before and asking which one I thought was best.

Again I was mostly non committal and once more gave basic advice on the correct manner on sending an email or phone call and I left it at that.

About a fortnight later my twitter feed was filled with nasty personal abuse from this person. He said he contacted one of the Mistresses I recommended and she ended up telling him in no uncertain terms  where to go.
I tried to be diplomatic and sent him a nice private message asking what the problem was.He replied he sent detailed instruction on what the type of session he wanted what the Mistress should wear and say to him and what punishments he expected and that he wanted a discount on the tribute.

Again I replied in measured tones saying that I felt making demands on a Mistress like that was not the best start to forging a lasting professional relationship and asking for a discount was always going to get you  the short shift.
At no time at all did I contact the Mistress in question about the new client I never made any remarks on twitter or online or offline about him once I passed the Mistress names to the potential client for me that was the end of my involvement.

Apparently he then tried it on with another Mistress I recommended with the same lack of respect and demands and was then told he was not welcome at the studio and was blocked by most of the Mistresses who work there.

Again I was oblivious to all this I had nothing to do with it at all I never discussed him at all and  had no idea any of this happened until he started ranting and raving at me.

Everyday I would receive a torrent of abuse on my twitter page and by direct message. I stupidly told him how I felt about one particular Mistress a private and personal thing and he screen grabbed the message and posted it to the Mistress and the whole of twitter.

To be honest this is the only real lasting damage that he did I felt so embarrassed that a very private and personal thought that I gave out in confidence about someone I care deeply about was plastered all over Twitter.
I didn’t think I would be able to session with the Mistress again because of this as I was scared how she would feel seeing me for a session after reading my very private thoughts about her.
He called me all sort of hurtful things posted messages everywhere that I was a danger to my Mistress and I should be banned from seeing her or anyone else.
It got so bad I quit my twitter page and started up another one under another name.
This worked for a while but he found me again and the abuse and hurtful accusations and words continued.

Now it seems to be he disappears for a couple of months at a time only to come back under another username to start the hate campaign again.
He has befriended a friend of mine on twitter and managed again to get information about me from him (absolutely not his fault) and again is spreading lies and very cruel and hurtful things about me.
The really worrying thing is I start to get neurotic and wonder if some of the things he says are true and it makes me so very sad.

I really do not like seeing such cruel and nasty things written about me constantly and no matter how much I try to ignore them or block the multiple usernames he uses it is starting to get to me.

I really don’t know what to do about this as I have said before my journey into this wonderful new world has met with nothing but kindness and friendship and lots of laughs from everyone else I have met except this person.
It makes me very upset and tonight I will go to bed with a very heavy heart and a deep sadness.