The Loneliness of the long distance submissive

Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced

Even a proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.

John Keats

Everything I post in this blog I like to think is the same as everything I say in my life.
It is the truth with no lies even if it makes me look bad.
I have always told the truth in my life no matter what the consequences.
The only lie I tell in my life is the hiding of my visits to Mistress from my long term partner.
That is between me and my conscious and I have to deal with that and live with myself which again I honestly have no problem dong with even though this revelation again may make me look selfish and bad.

I now have nine visits to a Mistress under my belt each of which has been a absolute joy.

No way do I describe myself still as anything other than a novice I am learning all the time and discovering new things thanks to the patience and skills of Mistress Lilith,Mistress Argenta and Mistress Ana.

What I am learning is more about myself and I am surprised at how much I miss not being under control and submissive and how this has quickly become a vital part of my life and something that makes me feel bereft as I go about my day to day business between the all too infrequent times I can get back for a session.

You see it caught me unawares how strong these long suppressed feelings were to be once released. I went into this totally unaware of how it would effect me. For years and years almost since the onset of puberty I knew spanking and submission to a dominant female was something that excited me.
My background of growing up in a tough working class housing scheme in Glasgow meant that I had nobody I could talk to or discuss this with.
My terrible education leaving school at 15 also made me very self conscious and scared of mixing with people lest I came across is ill educated a feeling I still have to this day.
The internet was a few years away yet so I felt very alone and as a painfully shy person with little self confidence I was very lonely and had feelings of guilt as I though nobody else could feel this way and perhaps there was something wrong with me.
Eventually after years of footering about* I finally did something about it and paid my first visit to a Mistress and the effect ripples ,vibrates and resonates inside me in a way I did not think it would.

* see the many other posts I have made on this blog about the beginnings of my journey into submission.

You see I tried hard to learn as much as I could about domination and submission.
Thanks to the internet I researched as many articles as I could I visited as many forums on the subject as I could.
I spent hours in chat rooms picking the brains of like minded people who were kind enough to talk to me.
My neurosis and extreme shyness meant I turned down the many offers of meeting up for a chat with these people or going to a fetish club with them.
It helped me a lot for getting rid of the feelings of guilt I had the sense that I was all alone and there was somehow something wrong with me for having this fetish.
But nothing anyone said prepared me for the reality after my first visit.

I am not a religious man nor a spiritual one. But what happened after my first and subsequent visits was akin to an epiphany.
I knew right away nothing would ever be the same again for me ever again.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think the experience of a dominant Mistress and my submission to her would feel as strong outside a session.
In some way I thought it would be just a switch that I could turn off and on.
I would be submissive and be punished and then when it was over I would have the memories and the afterglow for a few days then I would forget all about it and get on with my ordinary life till I could get back for another session.

But that is not the reality of the situation.
My ordinary life is ok I am not complaining it may seem boring to most people and I admit to myself at times being a bit tiresome but it is what it is and I could be a lot worse off.
But my long suppressed submissive side is now dormant no more and now awake it wants more and I find the weeks and months between the sessions are getting harder to accept.
I have no way to express this very real and powerful side of my personality in my everyday life.
It is not the whole sum of my total existence but it is a huge part of me and getting stronger the more times I am lucky enough to submit to Mistress and it seems all the wasted years of guilt and cowardice are now catching up and I need to make up for lost time.
Time is the enemy here.I live far away from Glasgow and have a job that takes up many hours with little free time to be able to travel back for a session.
Money is not a problem even though I have what I call quantum mechanic wages or Schrodinger’s cat* pay.
The money goes in on the last Friday of the month as do all the standing orders come off the same day so I somehow have  money and no money at the same time.
If I stayed in Glasgow I would at least once a month have a session.
I don’t just want this I need this it is what is right for me and what I have been denying myself for far too long in a lifetime that has been wasted due to shyness and lack of confidence.

*http://www.iflscience.com/physics/schr%C3%B6dinger%E2%80%99s-cat-explained

Here and now the time between sessions is so slow and I find it hard to live out my normal humdrum existence.
My biggest wish would be to be a full time submissive on call for my Mistress and be summoned at anytime to serve in what ever way she sees fit.
I never ever thought I would think that way or want to be like that but that is the conclusion I have to how I feel.
This of course barring a lottery win which would allow me to quit my jobs is something that will never happen and I can accept that as it is just a silly dream of an idea existence which has no basis in the real world in which I have to live.
Mistress Lilith and Mistress Argenta have been great with me and have occasionally put me under long distance control giving me tasks and punishment lines to do which really helps and makes me feel close to them and that I can serve them and make them happy even though I am far away.
I honestly makes my heart leap with joy when I see an email or a twitter message from them
For both of them to take time out of their hectic lives to send me a message is one of the things that seriously makes me glad to be alive and for the rest of the day no matter how much pressure I am at in work I have a glow and spring in my step.

The time during the real time sessions passes so quickly and I try and savour every moment as I know my next visit will be so long away which reminds me of a line in Romeo and Juliet* that is never quoted but for me is one of Shakespeare’s most telling examples of the human spirit.
I do feel lost and sad at times outwith a session knowing how alive I feel during one.
The absolute joy and something I never expected fun and laughs I have in a session and how much I miss being in the company of Mistress.

*Benvolio  ‘What sadness lengthens Romeo’s hours?‘
Romeo  ‘Not having that, which, having, makes them short.’

Every hour in a session seems to last a minute while every minute outwith seems to last an hour*
I am a walking paradox I am both happier than I have ever been and yet at the same time I feel empty and lost when I am between sessions.
It is lonely at times and I do struggle but I have the hope and knowledge that the next session will be coming along again and once more I will be where I feel I belong.

* Back to science for another quote