Everything you wanted to know about visiting a Mistress/Dominatrix for the first time (but were too afraid to ask)

I do not pretend to be an expert but this is my guide written from the heart using my experience and is something I wish I had known before I started on this journey.

1. Finding a Mistress where to start.

For me it was as easy as searching for anything else on the internet.
I just typed in Glasgow spanking Mistress and very many hits came up.
You will find lots of hits for your area if you do this.
There are also many dedicated search sites that have databases of Mistress’s by region.

http://pandemos.net/directory/4582620813
http://www.ukmistressguide.co.uk/ukmistresses.html

2 What to look for on a Mistress’s site

Any reputable Mistress will have a professional website with all the information you need about the Mistress and what services that she offers.
I have been lucky enough to session with Mistress’s in Glasgow and this is her site.

http://www.mistresslilith.com/

The site has all the information you could wish to make your decision.

There will be a gallery of pictures of the Mistress showing what she looks like and some of the clothing she will wear during the session remember you are not ordering a fashion model to dress up for you but many Mistress are happy to wear a special outfit if this is part of your fetish (school teacher look,leather/rubber fetish,uniform)

There will be a description of the services offered during the session and what fetishes the Mistress will cater for so read this carefully.
If your fetish is not listed you can always ask
Apart from the practices that we all find unacceptable (anything involving children or cruelty to animals for instance) I reckon the Mistress you contact will have heard nearly all the fetishes and fantasies there are before so do not be afraid to ask if yours is not listed.

But if for what ever reason the Mistress cannot help you with your fetish then take no for an answer.
This is not up for negotiation if the Mistress does not cater for your particular fetish do not insult her by trying to persuade her to do so you will get nowhere

And under no circumstance ask for any sexual services no true Mistress would ever perform a sex act on a submissive or have a submissive perform a sex act on them if this is what you are looking for I suggest you are not really wanting a Mistress and instead look up the many prostitute/escort sites on the internet.This is about dominant,humiliation,submission and a hundred other things but it is not about sex.

There will be photos and a description of where the session will take place and what equipment is in the dungeon/studio or domestic setting where it takes place so you will know what to expect when you arrive.

There will be a page with reviews from clients just like yourself where you can read about what happened during their sessions,
There is also this good site where you can also read reviews

http://mistressreview.com/Mistress-Reviews/

There will be a page with the tributes (fees) for the session.
Depending on what type of session you want this tribute will vary in price if the tribute is not listed on the website your Mistress will let you know and agree a price once she knows what amount of time and what type of session you want when you contact her by phone.email.
Do not insult Mistress by asking for a discount these fees are non negotiable and if you are looking for money off I would suggest your heart is not into the world of submission rather you are a cheapskate

3 How to contact the Mistress

On the website there will be clear instructions on how to get in touch to arrange a session.
There will be a couple of ways to do this there may be a contact form where you will fill in your email address and space for you to put down the time you would like to visit and a description of what type of session you would like.
If this is not available there will be a mobile phone number for you to call if using the phone it is very important do not withhold your number or your call will not be answered.
Now this is vital to remember you are dealing with a professional and she should be treated as such.
A pro-domme is like any other professional (doctor lawyer etc) and she will be a very very busy person.
Do not send an email or leave a phone message and then send another if you are not answered within a couple of hours.
Be patient and you will get a reply
Do not be a pain and clog up the inbox or voice mail of Mistress with repeated messages this will also see you not get an answer.
Oh and do not be really stupid and start any correspondence with ‘hey babe’ Hi Love’ or anything similar.
You are dealing with a professional dominant woman so treat her with the utmost courtesy and be polite and respectful at all times.
You may also be asked to make a deposit of part of the tribute this is to deter time wasters and should not be a problem if you are a sincere and serious about the session you have booked.

4 The day of the session

Few things to remember

You know that sign in your Doctors surgery that says 58 patients failed to turn up for appointments this month?
Well it is exactly the same with a Mistress.
If you book a session do not treat it as something you can call off on the same day as you have changed your mind.
Respect your Mistress and respect others like you who may not be able to book a session because you have the only time slot that they could mange only to cancel.
You may be asked to phone up a couple of hours before your session to confirm please do this as it is only right and correct that your Mistress knows you are coming.

You will be given clear and easy to understand instructions on how to get to the place where the session will be taking place please make sure you have plenty of time for your journey and that you arrive for your allotted appointment time.

Make sure you are clean and presentable as your Mistress I can assure you will be immaculate and the least you can do is the same.
Make sure you are fresh and tidy have a shower or bath on the morning of your session.
I find that I am still very nervous before my session and this added to the stairs I have to climb to the studio means I am sweating a lot.
What I also do is have some wet wipes and a small can of deodorant to wipe myself down with just before I go to the door of the studio so I look and feel as good as I can for Mistress.

You may want to check the wishlist on your Mistress site for a gift you can bring Mistress.
Be sensible though if the item on the wishlist you buy is a fetish wear item keep it in the bag and out of site the studio may be in a shared building and marching in with a thigh high pair of boots in full show is not a good idea!

5 Before the session

Your Mistress will have discussed by phone or email what sort of session you will have but when you meet in person she will take the time to have a quick chat with you to go over a few things.
This is not the time to be shy if there is anything you do not understand or are unsure about speak up.
For instance I asked how I should refer to Mistress when addressing her.
Some may wish to be know by their full name others by Goddess or Madam
Use whatever you are told at all times as it shows the proper respect.
Mistress will be friendly at helpful before the session and will put you at ease please try not to be afraid to talk to her it will help both of you get the most out of the session.
Your Mistress will discuss what sort of things you are going to do in the session and will perhaps ask you a few things along the lines of

is it ok to mark you with the punishments,

what kind of role play,

what implement you want to use and don’t want to use,

what sort of limits you have

and if you are looking for a more severe punishment you may be given a safe word which when you say it the punishment will stop.
Mistress will be in control and look after you do not be scared nothing will happen that is not agreed on before
Safe sane and consensual is the order of the day.

There is an elephant in the room and that is the handing over of the tribute.
I used to and still feel a bit awkward about this but it really is nothing to worry about.
This is just you paying the going rate for a first class professional service for an expert in their field.
Mistress will ask you for this fee before the session starts and you just hand it over.
Do not be insulted if Mistress wants to count it out in front of you this is to protect you both and make sure all is in order in fact you may well have counted it out wrong and paid too much so it is best all is straight up and above board for all concerned.

Once this is concluded Mistress may leave the room for a minute.
You may be asked to strip off and kneel in the submissive position or if in my case cross dressing is part of the session this gives you time to dress up,
This is the start of your session and from now on Mistress will be in control so sit back and enjoy the ride 🙂

6 The session

Everyone will have a different session depending on their tastes but a brief rule of thumb for them all I think is as follows.

Mistress is in charge,You may have a detailed roleplay and scenario in your mind that you want to try out but Mistress is an expert at this and will give you very close to what you are looking for but will add a few twists of her own which will make the session much better than you dared dream.
Be careful there is a phrase  ‘Topping from the bottom’

If your session involves corporal punishment do not attempt to call the shots and ask to be punished in a certain order or in a certain way.
This will really cheese off your Mistress if you attempt to do this and rightly so.
You are not in control of the session Mistress is and knows far better than you how to do a fun and enjoyable session.

Don’t be worried if you become sexually aroused.Though the session has nothing to do with sex for me it can be an arousing experience when you are dominated by a powerful and beautiful woman.
I would go further it is impossible for me not to be excited and stimulated during a session no matter how much I try not to.
My Mistress always comments on this with me and this adds to the humiliation when I am told my little sissy clitty stick should not be getting hard and I must be punished more for this.

This is the fantasy you have probably had for years and you are fulfilling it so for your own sake enjoy and make the most of it and I know you will have fun if you relax and let yourself go.

Even better your Mistress will have fun as well it gives me so much pleasure seeing Mistress happy during a session and knowing that I have helped make her happy by being the best submissive I can
Like most things in life the more you put into a session means the more you will get out of it I promise you this is the case.
do not be afraid let your inhibitions go you will not regret it.

Now something happened at the end of my first session and has also happened at the end of all the subsequent other ones that I did not expect and I have to mention it.
At the end of the first session I was ordered by Mistress to relieve myself in front of her.
I was so nervous that I could not do it.
Since then I have managed to do it every time I have been ordered to.

There is absolutely no physical contact between myself and Mistress I am ordered to lie down as she stands across the room from me and gives me a time limit to orgasm if I do not do it in this time I am to be punished more.
I do not know if this is the case with all Mistress’s at the end of a session but though it makes me feel a little bit uneasy doing it as I am scared I am objectifying Mistress the fact that I know that Mistress wants me to do it and she would not order me to do it if it did not make her happy and I so want to make her happy during a session.

7 After the session

Mistress will leave when the session is done and give you time to compose yourself and get dressed.
There maybe shower facilities on offer at the studio.dungeon for you to further freshen up.
(I take my life in my hands and use the showers in the train station next to the studio there are a few horror stories I could tell about that! but I have a long journey home by public transport and I don’t want to stink the place out)
Mistress will return and you should be able to have a quick chat about the session with Mistress and you will find her as fun and friendly outwith the session as you did find strict and severe in it,This is the time to ask anymore questions and discuss what you would like to do on your next visit.
But remember Mistress is very busy and will have another session starting soon so do not over stay your welcome no matter how much you are enjoying chatting (I am still guilty of this I just want to stay and talk all day)
Remember to thank Mistress for her time and the session you had.

Well I hope this is helpful to any new subs out there and gives you an idea of what to expect when you visit a Mistress for the first time.
I am @Sissy_Sakur on twitter please feel free to add me if you want to chat or if there are any other questions you have about this I would love to talk with you and try and help in any way I can.

7. My conclusions (update 19-10-21)

I posted this in 2014 when I had been having sessions for 3 years and still not hit double figures in sessions with Mistress Lilith and was still learning as I still am tosay reaching my 10th anniversary of being in submiaaion with Mistress Lilith.

Looking back I think it is still pretty much relevant and I have not edited anything .

If you happen to stumble across this as a novice and it helps that would be wonderful you have to trust me you can’t be any worse of a nervous wreck than I was when I first booked and attended a session. Honestly I was is such a state but withing 5 minutes I knew I had made the right choice and I can say hand on hard ten years later and dozens of sessions in I still fee lthe same sense of excitment and endless wonder every single time I walk into that studio and see and hear Mistress Lilith.
I thought about going for a session literally for about 20+ years before I actually managed to do it and I have only one regret that I ddn’t do it way sooner.

Life for me is fleeting there is nothing that has convinced me on my time of Earth that there is anything after our natural lifespan and that our conciousness dies when we do, Faith is not evidence so I feel you must act on your deepest fantasies now and do not waste a precious moment because it could all end in an instance.

My life in general is not a happy one but the hours spent in a session with Mistress Lilith are as happy a time as I have ever spent in my life. Please do not be scared the reality is much better than the fantasy. Take the plunge don’t have regrets years later you will find a whole new undiscovered country awaits you and will meet some of the very most remarkable people you will ever know in your entre life.

Am I a good sub?How can I be better?

So I wrote a quick post last night after a number of Mistresses I know and like on Twitter seemed to have been simultaneously been visited by timewasters or just down right rude potential new clients.

My post was just I thought common sense and a footnote to my lengthier piece about visiting a Mistress for the first time which was help and advice I wish I had before I made my first visit.

I got an email from a dear friend I have made on Twitter through my kinky life and someone who I have actually met in real life a few times.
He told me a few home truths regarding how I was conducting myself as a sub to Mistress Lilith.Some I pretty much knew I was doing but it still shocked me to the core when i saw it in writing so I was going to write yet another boring navel gazing post about where after all these years I am going wrong and how I and others could perhaps others would not make the same mistakes that I keep making

I know I basically crave Mistress Lilith’s attention. She is very busy and even though in semi retirement she still does a power of work for her business and I in emailing or sending tweets should not be so selfish and leave her in peace.
She has a life outside the dungeon which I need to realise that she deserves time and space to enjoy I in my effort to get her to like me and try to be one of her favourite subs am only doing the opposite by being needy and clingy two things I noticed she expressly said she didn’t want in new clients when I first read her website 6 years ago.
The thought that I would be a nuisance or bring annoyance to someone I think the world of fills me with deep sadness and pain so this is something I need to change from this day on and something I need to remember the next time I try and crave her attention.
I don’t think Mistress Lilith has time to read my blog (Does anyone?) but if she does I am deeply sorry and will also say this to her in person next time I am lucky to have a session

As a sub I try to do the things that I think we all know are the basics that anyone with respect and manners would do.

1 Book in advance
2 Never cancel
3 Turn up on time
4 Remain polite at all times
5 Try to make the session fun for Mistress

I also try on twitter to retweet on behalf of the dungeon and help all the Mistresses I know with retweets and do detailed reviews for anyone I have sessioned with basically try and help in any way I can.
Anyway that part of my apology over onto the main blog post.
The plans slightly changed when Mistress Lilith posted a picture entitled ’30 habits for happiness’ and I though it ideal to help expand what I was going to write.

This is the picture

All answers with a disclaimer this is what I think I do it would need someone who knows me to say whether or not I live up to the answers I give but as I have a very ow opinion of myself I would think most of these you can say are true.

1 Be Kind YES

I try to be kind in the real world and in and out of sessions

2 Eat Well  YES

I’m a vegetarian for over 30 years and Vegan for last 3. I eat healthily and well.And no I’m not going to give anyone a lecture about eating meat actually the opposite is true when people find out I’m Vegan I’m the one who gets the lecture about how Vegans give lectures.
For the record I don’t want to eat an animal.
You do what you want I don’t care it is up to you I don’t think any more or less of you no matter what you choose to do.

3 Exercise NO

Up till last year I was playing semi pro football. Didn’t get contact so far for this season so I have did no exercise for the last 6 weeks

4 Meditate SORT OF

Been trying to but keep falling asleep as too tired when home from work at moment

5 BE HONEST DON’T KNOW

This should be a yes. In my real life I am an honest person apart from not telling my partner I go visit a Mistress something that is too long and complicated to go into here and something my guilt and conscious have to live with.
In my fantasy life I have never ever told Mistress Lilith a lie,There was one occasion I withheld the truth about something from her something which lost me the friendship of a fellow sub I really liked and admired on Twitter which to this day causes me sadness but the next day I told Mistress Lilith what I was withholding from her.

6 Dream big NO

My confidence and hope and ambitions long left so I have no dreams big or otherwise

7 Be Patient DON’T KNOW

This depends. Last night I spent nearly an hour trying to catch a moth to let out the window as I was worried it would fry itself on the lamp. I never lost my temper once and go it done.
However with people who willlfully are rude,selfish and ignorant I have zero patience

8 Judge less YES

.
I don’t think I judge anyone.
With a disclaimer I have zero tolerance for people who are cruel to animals or the current heartless monsters who run the Government for them and their despicable actions I reserve the right to judge them.
For those in the BDSM community who have different kinks to mine some I would never want to see or do in a million years I have no judgement on them as long as all parties are happy and nobody is forced to so something they don;t want to do I would never judge them

9 Smile often NO HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I’m a miserable looking dour bugger everyone says that about me.It is just my natural expression.

10 Love yourself NO

I try to be a good partner,son and person.I’m kind to my dog and animals.I’m hard working and help those less fortunate than myself. I don;t think I am a bad person.But no I can’t love myself. My twisted brain chemistry won;t let me and in fact sometime I fear I am evil and should be destroyed.

11 Forgive easily YES

Mostly family members have let me down frequently and sometimes even done the dirty on me but I think yes I do forgive easily probably too easily if I’m being honest.

12 Show gratitude YES

I am always making a point of thanking someone who helps or is kind to me.I always thank Mistress Lilith before the session for allowing me to return for the session and afterwards for the session.

13  Think Positively NO

No chance of this I always think the worst,One of my many faults which I can;t change which I guess kinds of backs up my answer.

14 Drink lots of water YES

I drink a lot of water at work as the site I work at is dry dusty and warm even on a colder day plus at night I have a bottle of water at my bed which I drink when I wake up

15 Believe in yourself NO

I have no confidence in myself.With a football at my feet I will take on the world.Off the pitch I am nobody and nothing and have no confidence in anything I do

16  Keep an open mind YES

I have a very open mind
I do not believe in God, JFK assassination theories,Loch Ness Monster,UFO’s or ghosts only things that have creditable evidence.I draw my conclusions from the scientific method and if the evidence changes I will then be happy to believe in any of the above.
When it comes to the BDSM world I am open minded and with MIstress Lilith guiding me am willing to be open minded about trying out new things.

17 Put your needs first NO

Nope.I’m nothing and nobody.Other people are more important than me.

18 Don’t make excuses NO

I’m very guilty of this.Nearly all that happens to me is my fault and I try and make excuses for it happening even though I am the common denominator.opp
This is a huge fault of mine.

19 Speak well of others DON’T KNOW

Hand on heart I don’t think I have ever said anything nasty about anyone I have met in life.But it depends politicians and certain people I see on television I have nothing but contempt for and I have said some pretty harsh things about.
In BDSM I have tried to be polite respectful and helpful to any of the Mistresses I have been lucky enough to session with both in person and online.

20 Listen to understand. YES

I always do this in every walk of life.My education was terrible left school at 15 to get a job to support my family as my dad was ill. I have a thirst for knowledge and always like to speak to intelligent people about subjects I know little about.
I am a good listener and in the BDSM word Mistress Lilith and the other Mistresses I have sessions with have taught me lots as I listen intently to their ever word.

21 Choose faith over fear NO

I don’t have any faith in things working out for the best sorry

22 Make the most of now YES

Being practicing mindfulness for 3 months now. It helps in the real world.
But it really helped in the last 2 sessions with Mistress Lilith I got more out of them and managed to savour every single second I was in her company

23 Exercise self discipline YESish

I’m trying hard to do this. Do without things I don;t need in life
Especially with Mistress Lilith no emailling or texting her unless it is a session I am booking.

24 Look on the bright side NO HAHAHAHHAHA

Light at the end of the tunnel is the front of an oncoming train that is me in an nutshell.
Not proud of it hate it about myself one of the many things that I do.

25 Avoid social comparison YES

To be fair I think I do. If my friends are happy I am pleased for them.If a fellow sub has a session or more regular one than I do then I am pleased for them.I don’t think I have ever been jealous of anyone ever in my life.

26 See failure as an opportunity NO

If this is true I must have had more opportunistic than everyone else put together I fail that much.

27 Don’t take opinions to heart YESish

This amongst all others is the one that hurts the most. For people I do not respect I still take criticism or negative comments to heart
For people I care about and love and respect if they have a negative opinion about me then that destroys me. My recent email from Lars made me cry when I realised what my attempts at trying to be a better sub to Mistress Lilith really did which was make me clingy and crave her attention.

28  Select friends that lift you up. YES

I only have 2 real friends. Both I have known since nursery,We would all run into traffic for each other.Both of them are positive and confident people who bring out the best in me.Problem is I never see them anymore due to work and their family commitments

29  Let go of what can’t be changed NO

This should be easy,In my real world I try to make everyone happy but it is an impossible task and I should let it go but I can;t
In the BDSM world I try to be the best sub I can be but I fear I have did too much wrong and can’t change that or accept it.
Not getting back for sessions enough also dismays me.

30  Have a healthy sleeping pattern NO

Despite being exhausted and a 6.30am start every morning I sleep terribly.

 

Sorry this is not really a blog post that has much to do with visiting a Mistress or anything else.

But the answer I think to the blog title is NO and could do better

 

 

 

The Loneliness of the long distance submissive

Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced

Even a proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.

John Keats

Everything I post in this blog I like to think is the same as everything I say in my life.
It is the truth with no lies even if it makes me look bad.
I have always told the truth in my life no matter what the consequences.
The only lie I tell in my life is the hiding of my visits to Mistress from my long term partner.
That is between me and my conscious and I have to deal with that and live with myself which again I honestly have no problem dong with even though this revelation again may make me look selfish and bad.

I now have nine visits to a Mistress under my belt each of which has been a absolute joy.

No way do I describe myself still as anything other than a novice I am learning all the time and discovering new things thanks to the patience and skills of Mistress Lilith,Mistress Argenta and Mistress Ana.

What I am learning is more about myself and I am surprised at how much I miss not being under control and submissive and how this has quickly become a vital part of my life and something that makes me feel bereft as I go about my day to day business between the all too infrequent times I can get back for a session.

You see it caught me unawares how strong these long suppressed feelings were to be once released. I went into this totally unaware of how it would effect me. For years and years almost since the onset of puberty I knew spanking and submission to a dominant female was something that excited me.
My background of growing up in a tough working class housing scheme in Glasgow meant that I had nobody I could talk to or discuss this with.
My terrible education leaving school at 15 also made me very self conscious and scared of mixing with people lest I came across is ill educated a feeling I still have to this day.
The internet was a few years away yet so I felt very alone and as a painfully shy person with little self confidence I was very lonely and had feelings of guilt as I though nobody else could feel this way and perhaps there was something wrong with me.
Eventually after years of footering about* I finally did something about it and paid my first visit to a Mistress and the effect ripples ,vibrates and resonates inside me in a way I did not think it would.

* see the many other posts I have made on this blog about the beginnings of my journey into submission.

You see I tried hard to learn as much as I could about domination and submission.
Thanks to the internet I researched as many articles as I could I visited as many forums on the subject as I could.
I spent hours in chat rooms picking the brains of like minded people who were kind enough to talk to me.
My neurosis and extreme shyness meant I turned down the many offers of meeting up for a chat with these people or going to a fetish club with them.
It helped me a lot for getting rid of the feelings of guilt I had the sense that I was all alone and there was somehow something wrong with me for having this fetish.
But nothing anyone said prepared me for the reality after my first visit.

I am not a religious man nor a spiritual one. But what happened after my first and subsequent visits was akin to an epiphany.
I knew right away nothing would ever be the same again for me ever again.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think the experience of a dominant Mistress and my submission to her would feel as strong outside a session.
In some way I thought it would be just a switch that I could turn off and on.
I would be submissive and be punished and then when it was over I would have the memories and the afterglow for a few days then I would forget all about it and get on with my ordinary life till I could get back for another session.

But that is not the reality of the situation.
My ordinary life is ok I am not complaining it may seem boring to most people and I admit to myself at times being a bit tiresome but it is what it is and I could be a lot worse off.
But my long suppressed submissive side is now dormant no more and now awake it wants more and I find the weeks and months between the sessions are getting harder to accept.
I have no way to express this very real and powerful side of my personality in my everyday life.
It is not the whole sum of my total existence but it is a huge part of me and getting stronger the more times I am lucky enough to submit to Mistress and it seems all the wasted years of guilt and cowardice are now catching up and I need to make up for lost time.
Time is the enemy here.I live far away from Glasgow and have a job that takes up many hours with little free time to be able to travel back for a session.
Money is not a problem even though I have what I call quantum mechanic wages or Schrodinger’s cat* pay.
The money goes in on the last Friday of the month as do all the standing orders come off the same day so I somehow have  money and no money at the same time.
If I stayed in Glasgow I would at least once a month have a session.
I don’t just want this I need this it is what is right for me and what I have been denying myself for far too long in a lifetime that has been wasted due to shyness and lack of confidence.

*http://www.iflscience.com/physics/schr%C3%B6dinger%E2%80%99s-cat-explained

Here and now the time between sessions is so slow and I find it hard to live out my normal humdrum existence.
My biggest wish would be to be a full time submissive on call for my Mistress and be summoned at anytime to serve in what ever way she sees fit.
I never ever thought I would think that way or want to be like that but that is the conclusion I have to how I feel.
This of course barring a lottery win which would allow me to quit my jobs is something that will never happen and I can accept that as it is just a silly dream of an idea existence which has no basis in the real world in which I have to live.
Mistress Lilith and Mistress Argenta have been great with me and have occasionally put me under long distance control giving me tasks and punishment lines to do which really helps and makes me feel close to them and that I can serve them and make them happy even though I am far away.
I honestly makes my heart leap with joy when I see an email or a twitter message from them
For both of them to take time out of their hectic lives to send me a message is one of the things that seriously makes me glad to be alive and for the rest of the day no matter how much pressure I am at in work I have a glow and spring in my step.

The time during the real time sessions passes so quickly and I try and savour every moment as I know my next visit will be so long away which reminds me of a line in Romeo and Juliet* that is never quoted but for me is one of Shakespeare’s most telling examples of the human spirit.
I do feel lost and sad at times outwith a session knowing how alive I feel during one.
The absolute joy and something I never expected fun and laughs I have in a session and how much I miss being in the company of Mistress.

*Benvolio  ‘What sadness lengthens Romeo’s hours?‘
Romeo  ‘Not having that, which, having, makes them short.’

Every hour in a session seems to last a minute while every minute outwith seems to last an hour*
I am a walking paradox I am both happier than I have ever been and yet at the same time I feel empty and lost when I am between sessions.
It is lonely at times and I do struggle but I have the hope and knowledge that the next session will be coming along again and once more I will be where I feel I belong.

* Back to science for another quote